Chapter 808 TIFU - Is This Still A Meeting?
At this moment, Mr. Cuervo just looked to his right where Mr. Alvarez was and Mr. Alvarez just shrugged his shoulders before standing up. After that, he fixed himself for a short bit: made sure his suit had no creases, his hair was perfectly slicked back, and his mustache perfectly parted and pointy at the end.
I didn’t know what he was gonna do next but he cleared his throat before he opened his mouth.
“Alright, I’m Ongkiko Alvarez… Head of the Alvarez Family since it was established and~ you know what I do: a bit of real estate, a bit of muscle, and especially… well– mostly, collections. And I have a 9-inch cock—”
Mauro started dying-laughing, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Are we still fucking doing that?! IT’S BEEN SOOOO FUCKING LONG!”
Mr. Cuervo, “…”
Sal, “…”
Mary, “Pfft…”
Castro, “…”
Everyone else, “…”
Mr. Alvarez turned to Castro, “Heh. Tough crowd, right? You’re next.”
“M-Me?”
“Just a brief intro. It’s just a formality.”
“I don’t—”
“Haaa~? Fuck it, just follow after Mauro. Mauro, you’re up!”
Mauro shook his head as he stood up, “Alright, Mauro de Leon. 2nd Head of the de Leon Family. We do anything that gets us from Point A to Point B, we do custom jobs, and lastly, we do storage and transportation of cargo. Also, I have a 10—”
Elsa interjected from the back, “You say something more than that, I’ll slice your dick off.”
Mr. Alvarez rolled his eyes, “Party-pooper~”
‘Is Mr. Alvarez drunk? He’s more unhinged than I thought he was…’
Elsa snapped at Mr. Alvarez, “Lying won’t also get you anywhere. 9-incher my ass… I doubt you could even get it up—”
“OI! THAT’S—”
Sal cut them off, “ENOUGH! We shouldn’t have started this meeting today. Everyone is acting like kids!”
Mary added, “True… How can we tell them our cock sizes if we don’t have any? Can I mention Brian’s instead?”𝓷𝒪𝑣𝔢𝑳𝐍𝐄xt.𝐂𝒐𝗆
“MARY! THAT’S OUR SECRET!” Brian exclaimed from the back.
Sal sighed heavily, “Let’s just get on with it so we can finish faster. The name’s Sally Rivas, you should all refer to me as Sal. I’m still the Head of the Rivas Family and we’re in charge of producing some of the organic materials needed and half of the production.”
Mary followed, “Mary Garcia, co-head of the Garcia Family. We’re in charge of distribution. That’s it.”
“I guess I’m next?” Castro said after he noticed I wasn’t going next, “Castro Castillo, appointed head of the long-standing Castillo Family. From what I know, my family is also in charge of distribution and production but what I know for sure is that we’re tasked to clean up messes. Either quietly or as loudly as possible… But… that will definitely change once I get home. I don’t know what we’ll be after that but we won’t be the same I assure all of you.”
After Castro gave his introduction, everyone let out different expressions but after that, everyone was waiting for me to say my piece. It seemed like Mr. Cuervo was tasked to go last and quite frankly, all I know about myself was pretty simple.
I cleared my throat as I stood up, “Yo, I’m Sky Ishiyama… Head of the newly-established Ishiyama Family and umm… I sell rice for a living…”
If Mr. Alvarez saying his unhinged intro earlier prompted a fair moment of silence, my own intro was just complete and total silence for a few minutes. Everyone that didn’t know me personally thought I was pulling their legs and the scene was starting to get more and more uncomfortable by the second.
And to break the tension, I just had to say it…
“Oh, I have a 9-incher as well… girthy too…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
I thought my follow-up completely backfired but it didn’t take long before the two 9-year olds—Mr. Alvarez and Mauro—to burst laughing while Kaley, Quinn, Edith, Melina, and Roxanne were trying their best to hide their expressions. Moreso, I saw Mr. Cuervo and Castro’s expressions crack for a short bit—even Mary, but Sal was already rolling her eyes because she already had enough times saying enough.
Sal sighed heavily, “Seriously?”
“I’m not lying one bit.”
“…” Sal was looking at my expression to see if I was fibbing or not.
It’s just that my next words was enough to be in the subreddit of r/TIFU or “Today, I fucked up.”
I added, “Ask Edith, she knows.”
“…!” Edith suddenly went beet-red as she tried to cover her face in front of everyone.
Ninety-nine percent of the people thought she got embarrassed but Sal thought the complete opposite.
“You— Wait, you?! YOU!” Sal didn’t even need to piece things together—even if she first thought I was referring to me selling rice, and she was this close to climbing the table and strangling me to death.
Mr. Alvarez added jet fuel to the raging blaze, “Good job, Hermano. Heh.”
Sal shouted at the top of her lungs, “YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HER?! YOU’RE MARRIED, RIGHT?! HOW COULD YOU?!”
“Wait a sec—”
“I’M GONNA KILL YOU RIGHT NOW! I DON’T CARE IF I DIE—”
Kaley stood up from her seat, “Mrs. Rivas, you misunderstand—”
“WHAT’S THERE TO MISUNDERSTAND?!”
“I… This is gonna sound really weird but I… we… I was also there—”
“HUH?!”
“We were—”
“YOU’RE A MAN?! YOU’RE— YOU HAVE A DICK TUCKED IN THERE?!”
Kaley didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, “NO! I HAVE A VAGINA! PLEASE LET ME FINISH!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
At this point, I didn’t even know why I was nervous at first when I attended this meeting but this was actually more… fun than I thought. It took a good 30 minutes before we finally calmed Sal down but it didn’t help when it got revealed that I was with 90% of the women present in this meeting.
However, half of the guys couldn’t help but give me a hidden double-thumbs up while the other half were either shielding their wives from my grasp or sending me death threats for being so lucky.
“C-Can I start again?”
“Sure…” Mr. Cuervo replied weakly.
“I’m Sky Ishiyama…”
Mauro instantly added, “The Pimp Daddy.”
Mr. Alvarez piled on, “Owner of the 9-inch Dickscalibur.”
Quinn couldn’t help but to interject, “Lover of multiple women and chocolate milk.”
“Edgelord… The horny edgelord…”
“The Dragon of Draggin’ his nuts on their faces!”
“The creator of the 69999999999 position!”
More nicknames came after the other but in some way, the tension in the room lessened after making me go through their own version of a hazing process. Even if some of them looked a bit hungover, their overall mood seemed to be better than the time they entered this room because even if we all did have a fun time yesterday, we were supposed to be back to being adults and facing some end of the world problems.
With that said, Mr. Cuervo didn’t elaborate much on his introduction but he basically said he was in charge of everyone even though he mentioned that he was a retired pro. And after that, he kicked off the meeting by sharing his own report.
“I could— We could definitely say that yesterday was a huge success, no? Most importantly, no brawls occurred after that because everyone was too fucking drunk and tired to cause trouble. However, I’m sure that my girls have worked over-overtime and our cleaners have done almost the same thing.”
Mr. Alvarez interjected, “These events definitely helped all of us but it can only do so much. This Muerto thing is great and all but I’d still prefer the old world.”
Sal raised an eyebrow, “Getting mopey there, aren’t ya?”
“It just isn’t the same and my people are feeling the brunt of that.”
“Didn’t you all raid everything from the town you were in and did almost the same thing to the surrounding areas?”
“Hmph. I guess having everything couldn’t stop people from offing themselves. Trust me, drugs can also do so much too… even worse once it wears off. And yeah, we had all the drugs in the world too because no one’s buying them. Who’s left to use them? Us.”
Sal sighed heavily, “I… I didn’t think I’d say this but I couldn’t agree more. With the majority of the population being lifeless hunks of flesh and the rest of the lifers living with what’s left of the old world, it’s bound to get… monotonous. It’s not even funny, I first thought it would be fun but it gets really slow at times.”
Mauro let out a chuckle, “Old folks complaining about how boring it gets? Doesn’t that mean the three of you are just boring people? Hah!”
Mr. Cuervo was the first one to rebut, “Excuse me? Are you calling ME boring?”
“Well, it’s boring if I lose…”
Mr. Alvarez chuckled, “Then don’t embody the number “3” on your body. Win on your fucking wedding day!”
“You only got second because you took your sweet time! I took down more bodies than you!”
“And you still fucking got 3rd, pathetic.”
“WANNA GO NOW?!”
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