Chapter 47 - Love Song on Ice 4
Chapter 47- Love Song on Ice 4
After he hung up, 061 asked him, “……Want to go take a look?”
Chi Xiaochi, “Of course.”
Regardless of his misgivings, this “uncle”‘s identity had been personally verified by Dong Ge’s mother. There likely wouldn’t be anything wrong.
Half an hour later, Chi Xiaochi, bundled up in a pitch black down jacket, sat by the already frozen over decorative pond by the entrance to the sports school, waiting for this unknown uncle’s arrival.
It had been a long time since Dong Ge had received a haircut. It had grown to become shoulder-length and was tied into simple ponytail at the back of his head by a black hairband.
With nothing better to do, Chi Xiaochi undid his ponytail and tied his hair into a little bun.
This was the hairstyle Lou Sifan had usually put Dong Ge’s hair into in the past.
Dong Ge didn’t like cutting his hair. In order for it to not impact his performance during competitions, Lou Sifan would always come to his dorm room before competitions and help him put it into a bun.
From the age of 19 to 24, for a full five years, he had been in a secret relationship with Lou Sifan.
During this period, Dong Ge felt that he was blessed, but was occasionally a little dissatisfied.
Other than the He Changsheng who had all along been a faint presence standing between them, he still had another equally big load on his mind.
—— Dong Ge actually didn’t like being on the bottom.
But every time he brought it up to Lou Sifan, Lou Sifan would always smile and say, then next time, I’ll let you top next time.
His tone was completely as if he was coaxing a little kid, and as to when exactly the so-called “next time” would come, only the heavens knew.
Dong Ge brought it up a few times before dropping it.
He reasoned with himself: nevermind, it was really painful anyways, Lou Sifan might not be able to take it.
However, as time passed, Dong Ge’s way of thinking changed.
He always thought that it was just him being too sensitive, but Lou Sifan and He Changsheng’s “friendship” was truly eternal. Even after Lou Sifan and him got together in secret, most of the time, Lou Sifan would still go everywhere with He Changsheng.
Dong Ge would always follow behind Lou Sifan like a little lackey, staring at He Changsheng, lost in thought.
Why didn’t he know to not get in their way?
Didn’t he have any other friends? Why did he have to monopolise Lou-ge’s time?
Nevertheless, their behaviour never went over the line. They were really and truly a pair of very proper good friends. Even if Dong Ge wanted to look for bones in the chicken egg, there wasn’t a single point to get angry about to be found.
What was even more unbearable for Dong Ge, was that Lou Sifan would always compare him to He Changsheng. And it was never anything else, it was always his skating skills, which were of great significance to Dong Ge. The final conclusion would be: you’re not as good as He Changsheng, you still need to work harder.
He Changsheng was like a needle wedged in Dong Ge’s flesh, making him feel a burst of piercing pain from time to time.
Later on, even without needing Lou Sifan to bring it up, Dong Ge would subconsciously make He Changsheng his target for comparison and competition.
Clearly, one was a pair skater, and the other was a single skater. Their professions didn’t conflict at all, but Dong Ge couldn’t help but compare himself to He Changsheng.
In this Petri dish Lou Sifan had personally prepared, those negative emotions continued to flourish.
Dong Ge’s hatred of He Changsheng grew and grew, until one day, those negative emotions reached their peak.
It was a weekend.
As usual, Lou Sifan went to the pair skater’s practice rink to find He Changsheng, to practice and chat together with him, and Dong Ge also followed him as usual.
Since yesterday, Lou Sifan had been in an inexplicably bad mood. That morning, he had even barely touched his breakfast.
Dong Ge was worried that he would catch a chill. After skating for a while, he got out and left the training area, slipping over to the vending machine and buying a can of hot coffee. Worried that the coffee would get cold, he held it in his hands and slipped back as quickly as possible.
Just as he walked over to the side of the rink, he unexpectedly saw Lou Sifan directing a rare ugly look towards He Changsheng. He adopted a manner like he was conducting an interrogation. “Who was that guy with you when I came to find you yesterday?”
Dong Ge stopped. He began to listen carefully.
He Changsheng’s attitude was very mild. “A friend introduced him to me. I was having a meal with him, that’s all.”
Lou Sifan was unwilling to stop pushing. “Just a meal?”
He Changsheng said calmly, “I haven’t been in a single relationship for so many years, I want to try dating. Just testing the waters, no one says we have to get together. ……What are you so anxious about?”
He then asked, “Since it’s a date, why did you go find a man?”
He Changsheng shot him a look. “You’re homophobic?”
Lou Sifan said, “……I’m not. I just never thought that you were also……”
He Changsheng, “……’Also’?”
Lou Sifan, “I know about two or three couples in the team. It’s not strange.”
He Changsheng, “Oh.”
Lou Sifan paused for a moment. He asked tentatively, “Would you rather be on the top or on the bottom?”
He Changsheng, “……We haven’t even compared our Eight Characters. You’re really thinking ahead for me.”
Having been friends for so many years, He Changsheng did not consider such a question offensive.
A hint of a smile appeared on He Changsheng’s eternally iceberg-like face. “I haven’t really thought about it, and I don’t plan on casually testing it out. I might prefer to be on top, but if I like it enough, being on the bottom wouldn’t be so bad either.”
Lou Sifan said, “If you’re going to get intimate with someone else, being on top is always better.”
He Changsheng said, “Why?”
Lou Sifan replied in a joking tone, “Being on the bottom is so humiliating ah, and it also hurts. Even if you want to be on the bottom, then you’ll have to find a caring person.”
The coffee in Dong Ge’s hand felt as if it had turned into a soldering iron, searing into his palm, the burning pain making his entire body tremble.
……”Being on the bottom is so humiliating ah.”
……”It also hurts.”
So it turned out, he knew.
Dong Ge suddenly felt like the him who had gladly endured that kind of pain and seen himself as blessed, was a fool.
Because of this, he got into an argument with Lou Sifan.
After finding out the reason behind his anger, Lou Sifan very patiently coaxed him and admitted his wrongs, saying that he was just saying it casually, he wasn’t serious, if it was really that bad he could let Dong Ge have a go at being on top, and to take that as his apology.
Even though they eventually still reconciled, a prickly sense of jealousy and crisis had already crawled into Dong Ge’s heart.
He had been constantly criticised by his parents growing up, to the extent that a deep-rooted concept that been branded onto his heart.
——Not being liked by others was because he wasn’t good enough.
Even if he had already won innumerable championships at Grand Prix Finals both within the country and abroad at a young age and set a domestic record, Dong Ge still felt like it wasn’t enough.
Shortly after that, Dong Ge was faced with an important international competition.
When he was preparing for the competition, something happened: Lou Sifan brought him out to play with He Changsheng.
Since their last conversation, Lou Sifan’s frequency of looking for He Changsheng had increased significantly, and his reason was also very reasonable.
Lou Sifan gently said to Dong Ge, “Changsheng is an expert choreographer, if you let him, your senior, give you some guidance, your results will improve significantly.”
During this practice session, He Changsheng had a momentary breakthrough, performing a jump sequence of 4T+3A.
Because it was just in practice, He Changsheng performed this difficult single skater jump sequence quite easily.
Lou Sifan cheered him on, smiling and saying, “Changsheng, the points you would get for this sequence could break the Asian record.”
He Changsheng said, “Don’t talk nonsense. I’m just jumping around in private. If it was in a competition, I’m not sure I would be able to do this well.”
Lou Sifan smiled and turned to Dong Ge, saying, “See your He-qianbei? You need to practice well, you got that?”
Sitting by the side of the rink, Dong Ge lowered his head and tied up the shoelaces of his skates. “……En, got it.”
A few days later, when he and the coach were discussing tactics, Dong Ge didn’t hesitate at all. “4lz+3T.”
The coach advised him to not take risks. Although Dong Ge’s jumping level was first-class, these movements were too difficult. For Dong Ge, the number one thing he should be pursuing was stability, he had a good chance of earning points with his step sequence.
Dong Ge said stubbornly, “I can do it.”
Since that He Changsheng could do it, then he definitely could as well.
……That was a decision Dong Ge would regret for the rest of his life.
Like He Changsheng had said, one’s performance in competitions and one’s performance in private were two different things.
Under the pressure of an away battle and the competitive atmosphere, Dong Ge stubbornly stood up to the challenge, performing the most difficult 4lz movement perfectly.
The issue lay with his second jump.
Due to him failing to control his landing, he lost his centre of gravity. His skates slipped and he fell heavily on the ice.
Dong Ge’s coach wrung his wrists and sighed, thinking, it was a pity, but he might be missing the cup this time.
But soon, he realised something was wrong.
Dong Ge lay on the ice. As the accompanying music continued to play, no matter how he tried, he couldn’t get up.
With a cry of shock, he signalled to the referee team and rushed onto the rink.
Dong Ge’s entire body shivered with pain. He curled up into a ball. As his warm sweat dripped onto the ice, he murmured in a low voice, “……My leg, my leg.”
……The final diagnosis was a severe tear of the Achilles tendon.
The coach comforted him, saying, it’s okay, take a year off, rebuild, practice, who hasn’t had an injury before.
But Dong Ge saw the deep sorrow in the coach’s eyes.
This sorrow shattered Dong Ge.
Over the next few days, no matter who it was that came, he wasn’t willing to talk. Even Lou Sifan received this treatment.
Faced with Dong Ge’s cold expression, Lou Sifan said especially gently, “I know you’re not feeling well. If you don’t want to see me, I’ll come back again in a few days.”
Maybe because of him being particularly sensitive due to his injury, in this interaction with Lou Sifan, Dong Ge realised many details he had never noticed before.
——Lou Sifan was too gentle.
He was gentle to the point of almost being false, as if he could accept all of Dong Ge’s nasty behaviour, his willfulness, his arrogance, his reticence.
In the past, Dong Ge thought that gentleness was an incredibly wonderful characteristic.
He had never gotten angry, never criticised Dong Ge for his faults, never bickered with him, never quarreled. He simply couldn’t be a more perfect lover.
But, when he thought about it carefully, a lover who never quarreled, never got jealous, never showed his temper, was that really a lover?
Even at this kind of time, Lou Ge still comforted him gently, even-temperedly, simply as if he was using gentleness to coldly push him away, and draw a line of “we aren’t familiar” between them.
The third day after Dong Ge entered the hospital, He Changsheng, who had just finished up with his own competition, came to visit him.
There was dissatisfaction in He Changsheng’s tone, “How did you get yourself like this.”
Dong Ge looked at him. In a hoarse voice, he asked, “What about Lou-ge, did he not come with you?”
He Changsheng turned cold. From the sound of his voice, he was truly angry now. “Can he keep walking this path with you forever? You should think about what you need to be be doing now.”
Upon hearing this, Dong Ge was suddenly overcome with a sense of grievance and sourness.
He said in a small voice, “He can.”
After saying those two words, he then spoke to himself, asking, “……Can he?”
He Changsheng furrowed those two beautiful, willow-like brows. “Hmm?”
That was the first time Dong Ge bared his soul to He Changsheng and spoke so much to him.
He spoke about the love between him and Lou Sifan and confessed his jealousy towards He Changsheng. By the end, he couldn’t suppress his emotions any longer, wringing the corner of the bedsheet between his hands as he began to sob quietly.
……I’m jealous, I’ve sinned, I’m impulsive, but do I truly deserve this kind of punishment?
After He Changsheng heard everything, he seemed a little abnormal. “Is that how it is? ……He’s never said anything to me before.”
For a moment, Dong Ge couldn’t quite understand. “……What?”
He Changsheng said, “I’ve always thought of him as a friend, and I also thought you were just a junior he was taking care of.”
He then asked, “When did you two get together? Lou-ge never mentioned it to me, that you and him……”
Dong Ge was stunned stiff.
……Never mentioned it before.
What was “never mentioned it before”?
Wasn’t He Changsheng Lou-ge’s best friend?
Lou-ge wouldn’t let Dong Ge make their relationship public? Fine, Dong Ge wouldn’t say anything, and wouldn’t do anything. He wouldn’t even exhibit any kind of intimate behaviour with Lou Sifan in public.
After all, in the context of this society, homosexuals were still a minority, and couldn’t be discussed freely in public, under the rays of the sun.
And Dong Ge had a restrained personality, and wasn’t the type who liked to perform big gestures of love in front of others.
But he’d always thought that He Changsheng knew.
If Lou Sifan had never mentioned it, what did these five years even count as?
If he never mentioned it, why did he have to be so jealous and hateful of an utterly ignorant He Changsheng?
Seeing Dong Ge remain silent, He Changsheng breathed out a sigh, and said bluntly, “I understand. From now on, I’ll maintain an appropriate distance from Lou-ge, I hope you won’t mind.”
He Changsheng left, leaving behind a stunned Dong Ge on his own in the hospital ward.
About half an hour later, Lou Sifan called.
With great effort, Dong Ge picked up the phone.
The phone was still the one Dong Ge had flipped the wall to buy. It was of very good quality, and Dong Ge was the sentimental type, so he kept using it all the way until now.
Lou Sifan’s number, was the first one entered inside, and was the only number entered inside.
He answered the phone, “Hello.”
The person on the other end was frenzied with anger. “Why did you have to say those things to him? Didn’t I tell you not to? Are you trying to destroy me?”
Dong Ge paused. “……Who are you?”
For a time, Dong Ge actually couldn’t recognise whose voice this was.
After that, Lou Sifan said a lot of things, as if he was concentrating all the anger that he hadn’t let out in those five years into this one hour, turning it into invisible bullets and pelting Dong Ge with them.
In this call, Lou Sifan spoke truthfully and with a soul-piercing pain, “You should thank Changsheng. He was bullied when he was younger, so he has a shadow in his heart. I only protected you because of him. And you? When you were younger, I helped you so much, protected you, and you repay me like this?”
Dong Ge had always thought that Lou Sifan just didn’t like him enough.
But he had never thought that Lou Sifan didn’t even regard him as a person, but just as a useful tool.
——When he was younger, he was the pitiful child Lou Sifan used to curry favour with He Changsheng, to express his kindness and compassion.
——After he grew up, he was just a useful, free blow-up doll.
From Lou Sifan’s accusations, it seemed that Dong Ge had truly destroyed Lou Sifan, destroyed the “friendship” he had carefully maintained for so many years.
Lou Sifan liked He Changsheng so much that he came up with all kinds of plans to make him like him.
He Changsheng, who projected his emotions onto Dong Ge, noticed the bullied Dong Ge, so Lou Sifan also began to notice him in turn.
He originally just wanted to be a good big brother, and take good care of Dong Ge, this “little brother”. He’d never expected that one night of drunkenness would result in him riding a tiger in a daze.
It was Dong Ge who had harmed Lou Sifan, forcing him to make such a difficult choice. It was Dong Ge who forced him to make a choice between his morals and He Changsheng.
Because of his “responsibility”, he “made a sacrifice” and got together with Dong Ge, in order to “make up for his mistake”.
He also knew that this “wouldn’t give Dong Ge true happiness”, but he didn’t want to become a Chen Shimei, so while he wanted to break up but couldn’t, and could only constantly give him “kind reminders” to let him know just how good He Changsheng was to hint to Dong Ge to retreat in the face of difficulty.
And only a fool like Dong Ge would try to advance despite difficulty, unwilling to retreat even in the face of death.
After hearing one after another of his “reasonable”, “upright”, solemnly-worded and forceful complaints, Dong Ge didn’t even have the energy to get angry.
He lay on the bed, his voice so calm that he shocked even himself, “If you didn’t like me, then why didn’t you say so earlier.”
On the other end of the phone, Lou Sifan said, “Wasn’t I constantly reminding you?”
Following that, he then said in a voice full of bitterness, “I’ve already taken responsibility for you, could it be this still isn’t enough for you? You need to consider my feelings, too.”
Dong Ge said weakly, “But you were so good to me…… You were always praising me, telling me that this part of me was good and that part of me was good……”
Could it be that even those were all fake?
Lou Sifan said, “I did say those things, but those were just ordinary compliments, that’s all. You thought too much. Think about it, from beginning to end, did I ever say a single “I love you” to you?”
Dong Ge fell silent.
A moment later, he whispered, “Okay. I understand.”
He politely hung up the phone.
From the age of 11 to now, a full 12 years of expectation and worship had turned into an illusion in a mere hour.
12 years. To Dong Ge, that was already half his lifetime.
Now that everything had already been said, Dong Ge was not going to pester him over and over, begging to reconcile.
He wasn’t that lowly. Since the man had no feelings for him, he would give up.
As he comforted himself like this, he laid down on his pillow, turning the pillowcase dark with big drop after big drop of tears.
……Why did it hurt so much.
……Even tearing his Achilles tendon didn’t hurt as much as this.
Dong Ge hurt so much he couldn’t breathe. He clenched the chest area of his hospital gown in a death grip and murmured comforts to himself.
……It’s okay, it’s okay, without him, I still have ice-skating.
A year later, Dong Ge, already suffering from a severe case of anxiety disorder, returned to the ice rink.
But with the after effects of the severe tear of his Achilles tendon, as well as his restless state of mind, made it so that he could no longer find that state from the year before.
He tried six movements in a row, and all of them failed.
He knelt on the ice and bawled like a child.
Not a single one of those teammates who had mocked his arrogance could remain unmoved, but in this crowd of people, there wasn’t a Lou Sifan.
……He never even gave Dong Ge another look.
Half a year later, Dong Ge, who was staying in the psychiatric ward, found an ice rink that belonged to him in his daze. He broke the thin ice, and fell into the decorative lake.
Chi Xiaochi pulled himself out of Dong Ge’s last memories before his death. He turned back and looked at the decorative pond behind him.
The decorative lake that had become Dong Ge’s final resting place wasn’t like this pond. It hadn’t been very deep. If at that time, Dong Ge had still had the slightest desire to live, if he poured just a little bit of strength into his legs and stood up, he would have been fine.
He undid his bun. A head of thick black hair was blown up by the wind. This hair that was dark as night contrasted even better with his snow-white skin, making him look like a little girl.
Chi Xiaochi wiped his face. He said, seriously, “Fuck his uncle.”
061 was in utter agreement. “En.”
Just at that moment, a pair of leather shoes entered Chi Xiaochi’s vision.
Someone asked in a soft voice, “Dong Ge? Is that you?”
Chi Xiaochi entered his acting state in seconds.
He raised his head, his gaze like that of the young Dong Ge, melancholic yet alert.
The man before him was a handsome young man, with naturally good looks, possessing red lips and phoenix eyes, yet having a unique air of uprightness and elegance, making one feel good just by looking at him.
Noticing Dong Ge’s questioning gaze, the man extended his hand, and said in a refined and courteous manner, “I’m Dong Feihong. If you don’t mind, you can call me uncle.”
The author has something to say:
The kind of scum male Fake Lou is, is very good at confusing others.
He’s especially good with sweet speech and honeyed words (hypocritical flattery), and can guess exactly what you want to hear. When in a relationship, he can always make his partner very happy.
When he has to admit his mistakes, his tongue becomes even more slippery, able to promptly reflect on himself, and having a good attitude.
Typical characteristics of this kind of selfish white lotus scum are:
One, when in a relationship, the only thing he can offer is his words.
Two, it’s especially easy for him to move himself.
When breaking up, he’ll also be like this, all the mistakes are yours, he’s nothing but a pure and innocent white lotus.