199 False Hope
“I expected more from you,” Fiona’s voice emanated her profound disappointment. As she held her boot firmly against Ashleigh’s windpipe.
As she eased the pressure on her throat, allowing Ashleigh to breathe once more through gasping coughs, Fiona shook her head. Then, she removed her foot entirely and left Ashleigh lying in the dirt.
Ashleigh grabbed at her throat as her lungs began to settle down, no longer afraid they would never again feel the air filling them. She watched as Fiona walked away. She let her head fall back against the rocky floor with a heavy sigh.
Ashleigh lay there stewing in her frustration as the simulation room was converted back to its usual state.
The dirt and rocks below her slowly lost their shape and color and the hill she was on lowered itself until she was left lying on the flat surface of a white floor. The blue sky above her fell away in a fade until the white ceiling was revealed. One by one the trees and boulders disappeared.
Ashleigh sat up. Several rocks and trees remained and some of the blues in the sky hadn’t entirely faded yet. She touched her temple; a soft beep signaled the disconnection of her VR Adapter. As she removed the small disc, all the remaining trees and rocks turned into large white shapes of varying sizes spread across the simulation room.
Three days had passed since Ashleigh and Clara had agreed that Clara would start investigating Alpha Cain’s office.
Three more failures in the training game.
Ashleigh was beginning to think she would never win.
She pulled herself up and went to the locker room. After a quick shower she got dressed and gathered her things.
In Winter she was the best, she had defeated all her other opponents and earned her place at the top. But here, even though she could handle most of what was thrown at her in simulations, she just felt weak.
“Is it too hard?”
Ashleigh turned to see Fiona standing near the entrance of the locker room.
“Fiona…”
“Is the game too hard?” Fiona asked again.
“No,” Ashleigh replied.
“Then why do you keep losing?” Fiona smiled.
Ashleigh sighed.
“Because I haven’t won, yet.”
Fiona chuckled.
“Is it unfair?” Fiona asked.
“Well, you do have what…sixteen? On your side now?” Ashleigh replied.
“Is that unfair?” Fiona asked with a raised brow. “During the attack you took down a lot more than that on your own.”
Ashleigh clenched her jaw.
“I didn’t say it was unfair,” she said. “I haven’t given up.”
Ashleigh started to leave, but Fiona’s voice stopped her.
“Are you scared of the power you hold?”
“I’m not scared, but the berserker’s rage isn’t something that you use in a training game,” Ashleigh replied, keeping her tone calm, though she felt anything but.
“Oh?” Fiona asked, crossing her arms. “Tell me, how do you learn to use it, if you don’t train with it.”
Ashleigh clenched her jaw again; she knew Fiona was intentionally misunderstanding her.
“Of course, we train it, but in a setting that is controlled and monitored by those who know how to handle a berserker who loses control.”
Fiona nodded.
“So,” she said. “You ARE afraid. Afraid of losing control, like you did the night of the attack.”
“I have a healthy respect for the power I hold,” Ashleigh replied through gritted teeth. “That power is old and raw, it is not to be taken lightly, and it is not meant for games.”
“No, you’re right, it’s not,” Fiona said. “But, if you fear any part of you, be it your strongest or your weakest attribute, you are holding yourself back. Putting yourself at a disadvantage.”
Ashleigh could only take in a deep breath and remind herself that this was a Luna, she needed to keep her calm.
“Thank you for the advice,” Ashleigh said, again moving to leave. ρꪖꪕᦔꪖꪕꪫꪣꫀꪶ
“Caleb hasn’t come looking for you,” Fiona said. “You haven’t told him about the game.”
It was a statement, not a question.
“No,” Ashleigh said.
“Why not?”
Ashleigh sighed.
“Because I don’t want to get him involved.”
“In what way?” Fiona asked.
“In the way that makes it seem like I am trying to pit mother against son.”
“Do you have that much power over him?”
“Not by choice.”
Fiona laughed; she couldn’t help it. Even if she had wanted to keep a firm and steady expression, the pure honesty that had come from Ashleigh’s mouth was just too much not to react.
Ashleigh wanted to laugh, but she was too tired.
“Don’t come tomorrow.”
Ashleigh’s eyes widened and her stomach dropped. Had she failed to many times? Was Fiona telling her it was impossible?
“What I mean,” Fiona continued, “is, take a break.”
“A break?” Ashleigh asked, genuinely wondering if there was some kind of mental game being played here.
Fiona laughed again.
“Yes, child, a break,” she said. “We have played this game for ten days. A break is necessary. Let your body rest and spend some time with my son before he has a tantrum.”
Now Ashleigh could laugh, knowing that Fiona was right. The past three days she and Caleb had barely been able to say hello. She missed him, and she knew he missed her.
“He is like his father in that way,” Fiona smiled, more to herself than Ashleigh. “Cain was a busy man with more responsibility than was necessary. But he always made sure that I knew my place in his list of priorities was always first.”
Ashleigh wished she could have known Alpha Cain.
“Ashleigh…” Fiona said softly. “My concerns about you and your place in this pack, are entirely with you and your decisions. It has nothing to do with Cain, or Wyatt.”
Ashleigh swallowed.
“That being said, not knowing the truth about what happened to him… it is a heavy sorrow that each wolf in this pack carries. Some blame you and all of Winter for it, others don’t blame you, but won’t trust you either.”
“I know,” Ashleigh sighed.
Fiona nodded.
“Then find the answers, but do it quietly,” Fiona said.
“What?” Ashleigh looked up with eyes wide.
“Please,” Fiona scoffed. “Do you think I wouldn’t know if someone was in Cain’s office?”
Ashleigh rubbed her neck nervously.
“I guess there are ways that you and Caleb are similar as well,” Ashleigh sighed, thinking of how Caleb had also known about her investigation without her telling him. She looked up at Fiona awkwardly. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything, I wanted to find answers first…”
“I’m not upset you didn’t tell me, it’s a good thing,” Fiona continued. “False hope is worse than any kind of torture. If you truly want to hurt someone, give them false hope, and then take it away just as they have started to believe in it.”
“Then… you want me to continue, but don’t tell you about it?”
“As far as I am concerned, all your going to find are some old research files and perhaps you’ll get to know a great man a little better. But I don’t believe you will find the answer to why he’s gone,” Fiona said.
“Why not?” Ashleigh asked.
Fiona’s eyes darkened.
“Because I believe, as I always have, that that answer lies with the Alpha of Autumn.”