Chapter 38
Chapter 38
Qin Youran didn’t know whether she should laugh or cry right now. Her heart also burned with feelings of joy and anger.
I kissed you, for heaven’s sake! Kissed! Kissed! Not even best friends would kiss each other!!!
Qin Youran had originally planned to slowly ramp up her intimacy with Jun Zishu before eventually confessing her feelings. Never did she expect to expose herself so soon.
Less than a month had passed since she had made her resolution to hold back for three years.
Qin Youran didn’t think that she would lack so much in patience.
However, there was no helping it. She had long since known that she was a goner the first time they touched lips.
Fortunately for Qin Youran, Jun Zishu had responded to her kiss. The bookworm neither pushed her away nor expressed disgust toward her actions. And because of this situation, she couldn’t help but wonder if Jun Zishu also had feelings for her.
However, Qin Youran never expected Jun Zishu’s answer to be so cruel. What did the bookworm mean by “cooperating with you out of habit”?
“That’s right. I like you. I like you romantically.”
Qin Youran took a step back and furrowed her brows, doing her best to hold back the sadness in her heart.
“But I…”
Jun Zishu frowned, making it seem like she didn’t know what to say in this situation.
“But you don’t like me that way, right?” Qin Youran answered on Jun Zishu’s behalf.
Jun Zishu remained silent, tacitly agreeing with Qin Youran’s words.
Qin Youran snorted and looked down at the ground. Then, she couldn’t help but start laughing loudly.
“How laughable of me,” Qin Youran muttered in a trembling voice, the smile she wore giving off a depressing and uncomfortable feeling.
Qin Youran found that ever since she met Jun Zishu, she had become a very silly person.
First, she had one-sidedly treated Jun Zishu as an imaginary rival, only to experience what it meant to be stomped on in terms of IQ.
Then, she had one-sidedly assumed that Jun Zishu was only studying hard because she came from a poor family, only to find out that Jun Zishu’s family was actually incredibly wealthy.
Afterward, she had assumed that she was Jun Zishu’s one and only friend, only to later find out that Jun Zishu had another close friend apart from her.
To top it all off, even though she claimed to be closest to Jun Zishu, she didn’t even bother finding out about Jun Zishu’s birthday. Not to mention, even after being made aware of it, she had failed to prepare a present.
Yet, despite being such a failure of a friend, she had recklessly kissed Jun Zishu even though she knew that the timing wasn’t right yet. Moreover, she had even greedily and foolishly assumed that Jun Zishu actually had feelings for her as well.
Qin Youran found herself to be truly laughable. She was truly the biggest joke in the world.
She had known that the bookworm had yet to fully understand the concept of relationships with people and that the bookworm only liked to study. She also knew that the bookworm only treated her as a close friend. Yet, she had relied on the bookworm’s ignorance to fearlessly influence the bookworm’s interactions with other people and greedily carry out intimate actions with the bookworm.
“Youran…”
Jun Zishu was truly stunned now. Both the character she played and her original self were stunned.
Girl! Stop smiling! You look so miserable!
I’m sorry, little cousin! Although I want to agree to your confession and give you a happy life, my current character setting won’t permit it! I cannot break character! I have my professional ethics to maintain!
“I’m sorry for taking advantage of you just now… Let me go to the bathroom first. We’ll continue talking after I come out, okay?”
Qin Youran did her best to maintain the stability of her voice. Then, when she heard Jun Zishu agreeing to her request, she quickly ran into the bathroom and closed the door.
Once the door was closed, Qin Youran sat down with her back facing the door and hugged her knees in sadness.
After a while, Qin Youran wiped the tears from her eyes and laughed in self-ridicule.
What right do I have to feel aggrieved? What right do I have to cry?
I am clearly in the wrong here.
I was the one who got greedy. I was the one who acted sinisterly. I was also the one who took liberties with Yaoyao.
So, why am I behaving as if I’m the one who got bullied instead?
Qin Youran questioned herself in her mind.
However, despite knowing that she was in the wrong, Qin Youran didn’t know what she should do in this situation. Her behavior just now was truly ugly and miserable.
Fortunately, she didn’t expose her crying appearance to Jun Zishu, at the very least.
The one who should be shocked and crying in this situation should be Jun Zishu.
However, Qin Youran was simply too sad. She felt so sad that she couldn’t help herself from crying.
She doesn’t like me… She doesn’t like me… She doesn’t like me…
She doesn’t like me…
Why doesn’t she like me?
No… For what reason should she like me?
Qin Youran sniffled and stood up from the ground. Then, she grabbed her face towel, wet it with water, dried it, and used it to wipe her face.
The cold temperature caused her to shudder. However, it also worked wonders to cool her boiling eyes.
Qin Youran looked at herself in the mirror and smiled.
“How ugly. Tsk.”
The scene just now was also terribly ugly.
It was so ugly that Qin Youran couldn’t even bear to remember it.
…
Around ten minutes later, Qin Youran left the bathroom.
Even after ten minutes had passed, Jun Zishu remained standing in her original position, her face filled with anxiety and confusion. It looked as if she was the one who did something wrong instead of Qin Youran.
“What do you think of my confession just now?” Qin Youran calmly asked.
Qin Youran had already sorted out her thoughts in the bathroom. She realized that she couldn’t be too emotional about Jun Zishu. After all, Jun Zishu didn’t even understand the concept of love. Thus, she decided that she needed to first help Jun Zishu understand what love was.
“I cannot accept your confession yet. I only have my studies on my mind right now,” Jun Zishu formally answered. Inwardly, though, she couldn’t help but apologize to Qin Youran. Little cousin, it’s not that I don’t want to accept your confession, but I cannot start dating you if I don’t want to break character.
“I know what you mean, but… Wait, what? You said you can’t accept my confession yet? Does that mean you’ll accept it in the future?” Qin Youran asked with a raised voice, the mental preparations she had made in the bathroom crumbling slightly.
Qin Youran felt as if she had ridden on an emotional rollercoaster today, her feelings stimulated to an extreme extent.
“Perhaps? I’m not sure. Right now, I still think that dating isn’t as interesting as studying,” Jun Zishu sternly replied. She even nodded her head to prove the authenticity of her words.
“So, what you mean to say is that even if you don’t like me romantically, you won’t like other people that way either, right?”
Qin Youran felt her mood falling a little once more. Even so, she already felt significantly better than before.
“I don’t know if I should answer you… Just like Cheng Chaoyang, after he failed to get the answer he wanted from me, he left to find another person.”
Liking a person who didn’t like you back was an exhausting situation.
“Do you mean to say that, like him, I will go to look for someone else after failing to get a positive answer from you?” Qin Youran responded with a question. She couldn’t help but get a little angry after having her feelings doubted. However, there was also nothing she could do about this situation.
Jun Zishu naturally saw through Qin Youran’s thoughts. So, she added, “I’m not trying to demean you. This is only the consequence of psychology and probability.
“If I continue liking you, will you agree to be with me?”
“Perhaps.” I promise to be with you once we’re adults, so don’t worry.
“Don’t you have even the slightest of feelings for me?”
“Nevermind. There’s no meaning in such a question.”
Before Jun Zishu could answer, Qin Youran had already voiced an answer to her own question.
Speaking about love with Jun Zishu was no different from communicating with her in an alien language.
It was akin to talking about charity to a person desperately trying to earn money.
Sure, charity is fine. Charity is great. Charity is wonderful. But what does that have to do with me? Money? I won’t give you any, neither do I have any to give.
“I’ve read many books before.”
“Hm?”
“The books I read state that love is a balancing act between two parties. When one side gives too much, it will create an imbalance.”
“So?”
“Simply put, I’m afraid that the love I have for you isn’t as much as the love you have for me. If that’s the case, it will be unfair to you.”
“Unfair?”
Qin Youran smiled. She felt as if she had just heard the most joyful thing she had heard today. However, there was also a hint of melancholy in her eyes.
“There is no fairness in love,” Qin Youran softly said as she held onto Jun Zishu’s hands.
“Who would speak about fairness in love? Don’t tell me everything in a relationship has to be split in a 50-50 fashion? If that’s the case, why are there so many people in this world willing to exhaust themselves for the sake of their loved ones?
“Take that famous internet quote, for example. So long as you take the first step forward, I will take the remaining 99 steps toward you.
“If I say that I want you to love me as much as I love you, that means my love for you isn’t sufficiently sincere. While it is indeed true that an imbalance would occur if one side gives too much, that depends on the situation and the person.”
Qin Youran said a bunch of serious stuff, clearly expressing her every word.
What Jun Zishu spoke about was the ordinary type of love people typically saw.
However, Qin Youran could confidently say that her love for Jun Zishu wasn’t normal as she hoped to isolate Jun Zishu from the world and monopolize Jun Zishu for herself.
Of course, the isolation Qin Youran referred to wasn’t social isolation. It would be cruel for her to do that; neither would she ever do that.
Qin Youran only wished for Jun Zishu to be by her side, to have only her in her eyes and heart.
Qin Youran admitted that her thoughts were scary.
However, what if she met someone willing to accept her thoughts?
Sorry, but if that was the case, she would never let go.
“Is that so?”
Jun Zishu was a little dazed as she looked at Qin Youran’s hands that were holding onto her hands.
If Jun Zishu were to be honest, she didn’t recommend others to like her. She felt that she was no different than a wall when it came to romantic affairs.
Since she couldn’t love others, why should she respond to others’ love?
Even in the previous world, Jun Zishu could never tell whether she truly loved Ning Qinghuan or not. She had merely gotten used to Ning Qinghuan’s company and submitted to Ning Qinghuan as her character setting.
However, humans were complex creatures. They wouldn’t always have only one side to them and strictly adhere to their character settings.
Even if Jun Zishu played the role of Jun Wan’er, she was also Jun Zishu at the same time. Even as she made a bunch of schemes in her mind, she perfectly played her role as a white lotus on the outside.
Take the current situation as another example. She was both Jun Jiayao and Jun Zishu at the same time. She liked reading and overwhelming others intellectually but disliked being pursued and hindered. Even if she could wear a thousand faces and had a glib tongue, that was only when she was in front of others. When she was by herself, she preferred silence and disliked talking a lot.
Jun Zishu had always felt that she could make others fall in love with her because she possessed the charm to do so. However, she had never accepted the love of others because she felt that it would be irresponsible and unfair of her to do so.
Yet, now, someone was telling her that love did not require fairness. Could that be true?
Jun Zishu was a little shaken after hearing Qin Youran’s understanding of love.
“So long as you love me, I don’t need any fairness. So long as you don’t betray me, I can forgive everything that you do,” Qin Youran softly said, her eyes showing maturity surpassing her age. Even if you lie to me, I will still gladly endure it.