Chapter 636 - Fears
Xing Han was shocked at hearing those words from Nitocris. He looked at his beloved worriedly, and asked, "What are you scared about?"
Nitocris caressed Xing Han's cheek, as he looked upon his puppy who truly did not look like he understood.
"I can't help but feel … jealous of Kyle," Nitocris started, and Xing Han looked visibly upset.
"Cookie, I've told you," Xing Han said when Nitocris cut him off.
"Yes, I know, I know," Nitocris said with a sigh, "Kyle is your best friend and I am the one you love. I know that. I know."
"But I still can't help it. You've been with Kyle since forever, and you're always gushing about him. You guys know each other inside out," Nitocris explained, "He's your age. While me? I …"
He sighed, leaning his forehead on Xing Han's.
"I'm so much older than you. My hands are so full of blood, my world is so dark," Nitocris said softly, "Every single day, just waking up with you beside me, is like a miracle. I feel like this is just a dream sometimes."
"And one day, you'll wake up to realise …"
A sharp sound of a slap reverted in the kitchen.
Nitocris was stunned.
The slap didn't hurt, really, but that was the first time Xing Han actually turned physically violent. He looked at Xing Han who's chest was heaving up and down as he glared at Nitocris.
"How … how could you even say that? Or think that?" Xing Han asked, "Do you think I'm that fickle-minded? That my feelings for you is that shallow?"
"What would it take for you to believe in me, to trust me?" Xing Han continued, "Never talking or seeing Kyle again? Stay locked up at home?"
Nitocris saw the anguish in Xing Han's eyes and said mournfully, "But don't you see? That is exactly why I'm so scared."
"Because a part of me wants exactly that, and yet the rationale part of me knows that it's ridiculous," Nitocris continued, "I have that internal battle within me all the time. Most of the time, I can suppress such thoughts but this time …"
"Puppy, when you lied to me about why you wanted to go over to Kyle, I just couldn't. I couldn't let you go," Nitocris admitted.
Xing Han's shoulders slumped and with his fingertips, he touched the cheek that he had slapped earlier, "I didn't lie, Cookie."
Nitocris looked offended at that statement.
"Listen to me," Xing Han insisted, "I have never lied to you, and I never will but yes, there are things that I do not tell you. Are you saying that you tell me everything about what you do?"
Nitocris shook his head, "But that deals with work."
"Sometimes, you come home with the strong smell of blood on you, and your eyes are dark," Xing Han said, "But you never tell me what you did and I never asked. I never questioned you because if it's something I needed to know, you'd tell me."
"It's not the same," Nitocris replied.
"It is," Xing Han countered, "I do miss Kyle and I am worried for him. I want to be there for him. I didn't lie about that."
"But why do you need to when Kay is already there?" Nitocris asked, "Why must you be there? Why can't you tell me the real reason why you need to be there?"
"Why not?" Xing Han asked back, "If someone you care about is hurt, would you stay home and not go just because someone is there already?"
"And what is this 'real reason' that you are talking about? Isn't the fact that I want to be there to comfort him not enough?"
Nitocris was stumped.
He could not answer that.
Xing Han was right in that just because they were a couple, it did not mean that they needed to share everything completely.
That is where trust comes in.
He sighed deeply as he closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Cookie," Xing Han said, his heart in pain as he saw the internal struggle his beloved was going through, "I never meant to make you feel insecure. Kyle is special to me, yes, but only as a best friend. I share secrets with him, but those are Kyle's secret and it isn't for me to tell."
"I may not tell you everything when it concerns him, but it has nothing to do with us," Xing Han said, running his thumb over his beloved's lips.
"Kyle is special to me because he's my best friend," Xing Han continued and felt Nitocris stiffened at that statement.
He smiled, and leaned closer, "You, on the other hand .."
Xing Han kissed him, saying against his lips, "Are a part of me. I'm in love with you, and only you. I've told you before, and I'll tell you again. I love Kyle, but the one I'm in love with, is you. You are the one I love. You."
"Have I not shown you how much I love you? Is my love not enough? Why do you still have the fear that I'll leave you one day? In fact, it should be me that is scared that one day, you'll just wake up and realise … you deserve better," Xing Han said.
Nitocris growled angrily at that, gripping Xing Han tightly, "I dare you to say that again!! How dare you even have such thoughts?!"
"Oh? You can have such thoughts but not me? Why? Look at you. Strong, handsome and rich," Xing Han counted, "While me? I'm this fat, childish kid following you around."
"You are not! I love you, and only you. How can you even have such thoughts? Have I not shown you how much I love you? Is my love not enough...?"
Nitocris stopped, finding the words he was saying was exactly what Xing Han said earlier.
He sighed.
"Okay, I understand," Nitocris said, "If you still want to go to Country M, then go. I'm sorry."