199 Wrong motivation behind the obsession
Jun froze. It was a harsh truth that cut his heart straight like a knife, but he also knew that Ai was right.
Nana loved all her children equally. Any harm to either of her children would have pained her.
Ai softly said, “I don’t want to make you feel guilty, but I don’t want to sugarcoat things either. If you are wrong, you are wrong. She would have been as miserable over your death as Jin’s. I really understand what you must have been going through at that time, but killing yourself wasn’t an option either.”
Jun pursed his lips. “You are right. Everything wouldn’t have happened if I had backed off sooner and freed Shui from me when she asked for space in our relationship. I didn’t let her figure things out and instead kept forcing myself on her,” his gaze dimmed.
“No,” Ai interjected. “Everything wouldn’t have happened if you had understood that your whole motivation for chasing after Han Shui was wrong from the beginning.”
“…”
Jun parted his lips feeling utterly speechless. “Huh? What was wrong?”
Ai stared at him. “Before I answer that, tell me what made you feel that you wanted Han Shui to be your wife and nobody else?”
Jun frowned.
Why did I want Shui?
“…I really don’t know.”
Ai blinked. “There must be something that made you so determined, right? Your obsession for her wouldn’t just pop out of thin air.”
He coughed. “Well as far as I remember, it was that day back in my childhood when I saved Siying from a kidnapper. He is Shui’s brother. I was four at that time. At that time, I met her family – Aunt Xinyi and Uncle Zhiyuan. I talked to Aunt Xinyi, and…oh. I think it’s because of her,” Jun found his realization, “I liked talking to her. She is kind and gentle so…”
“Oh, so you had a crush on Mrs. Han,” Ai nodded as she concluded.
Jun suddenly choked hard. He watched her in disbelief. “What? No!”
“Yes, you did. It’s okay. There is nothing to be embarrassed about.”
Jun stared at her, thinking if she was really serious about this. “I…I didn’t like her that way! She is Aunt Xinyi for God’s sake. She is Mom’s age!”
“Yes, so?” Ai asked, “Boys can have crushes on their mothers or older women just like girls like their fathers or a particular male teacher in their class. It’s a temporary crush or infatuation. You wanted Han Shui AFTER you met Mrs. Han. So, I feel that you actually wanted to have a girl in your life that was her shadow. In simple terms, you wanted a girl like Mrs. Han.”
Jun tremblingly pointed his finger at her. He wanted to rebuke her claims but somehow, he was unable to counter her. “That’s…that’s not…”
Ai smiled. “You don’t have to deny it so hard. It’s normal and nothing shameful.”
He cleared his throat, and the tip of his ears turned redder despite his protests.
“Your expression says it all,” Ai was ruthlessly wedging the truth deeper and deeper into his heart, marking him more embarrassed.
Was it really like that? Jun wondered.
“You didn’t notice it, but that’s why you were so fixated on Han Shui. You must have thought that Mrs. Han’s daughter would be just like her. That whole notion is wrong. You cannot decide how Han Shui would grow up to be based on how her parents were. How could you declare that she would be your wife even before she was born?”
Jun furrowed his brows. “But I was serious about her. I knew I wanted her.”
Ai disagreed. “No. You wanted someone like Mrs. Han. You assumed that Han Shui will grow up to be like her with her personality or traits. That is where you are wrong. Han Shui wasn’t even born. You don’t know anything about her. What her likes would be, what her dislikes would be, what her personality would become – you didn’t know anything. So, how can you declare to give your life to someone when you didn’t know if she would be even compatible with you in the first place?”
His brow twitched. “Wh…I…It-it wasn’t like that…”
Ai squinted her eyes. “It was exactly like that. Jun. There are a whole lot of years that go by from birth to adulthood. There are many factors affecting how someone’s personality would become. You like books. Does she also like books as much as you do?”
“…No.”
“You like silence and prefer being alone. You don’t like parties and gatherings. Is she someone who shares this aspect with you?”
“…No.”
Ai nodded. “So basically, you are opposites. Your tastes don’t blend with each other. I am not saying that two people in a relationship should have everything in common. That is impossible. No two people are identical. But there should be some common point of interest where you can meet.
You should have realized that you and Han Shui have opposing personalities, and opposites don’t really attract because we feel more comfortable when we are with like-minded people. There might be very few exceptional cases of otherwise. But generally, we want to spend our life with someone who understands our tastes and personality because it’s not tiring and cumbersome that way. That’s why clusters forms in social media where like-minded people gather and form groups because everything have something in common.”
Jun rapidly blinked his eyes.
Ai softly exhaled. “It’s not like you were wrong or Han Shui was wrong. You are just someone who was not compatible as a couple. Also, you are not thinking about this whole situation from Han Shui’s perspective.”
“Her perspective?”
“Yes. I keep hearing that you always declared her to be your wife. But did she want that same thing?”
He widened his eyes, stunned. “Of course, she did.”
Ai tilted her head. “I don’t think so because from what I saw today at your house, your and her family were really eager for your marriage with her. Everybody was dead set to see you two as a couple and were too shocked when it didn’t happen that way. I could imagine how your and her childhood must have been. That kind of environment, how should I say…can put pressure on someone subconsciously. That’s why I asked you.
Did Han Shui really want to marry you too, or did she want it because everybody else wanted it?”