209 Failed as parents
“I feel miserable. Like I have let down everybody. I feel that something was going wrong in our relationship. I was growing more and more distant from Jun. I was making excuses to avoid meeting him! I felt horrible, a-and I really didn’t want to do that…I wanted to talk to Jun, but I don’t know what and how? We were in a relationship, so how was I supposed to tell him that I preferred my time without him? I didn’t know how to explain that. I didn’t know why I was feeling that way. Everything was fine when we were children…
B-But the more possessive he became after we started dating, the more uncomfortable I got. He wanted to be everywhere with me but many times, I didn’t share those sentiments, and I felt pathetic!” She wiped her eyes. “I was failing as his girlfriend, and I didn’t want to…” she shook hard.
Siying hugged his sister and whispered, “Ssh. Shui, it’s okay. Just don’t cry…”
She teared up more, feeling the warmth of her brother. “I-I d-didn’t know how to say these things. Ever since I remember, I had always been with Jun. I loved playing with him. I loved spending time with him. He always said that he would marry me one day…and I was so happy because that made everyone happy around me. Even though Dad looked like he wasn’t, I knew deep in his heart, he liked and accepted Jun. I also thought I wanted to marry him, but I didn’t know why things started to change…and it was frustrating to handle these feelings.”
Shui took a deep breath. “When Jun broke up with me, it was sudden and confusing. I was afraid that this was not how it was supposed to be! But…but somewhere in my heart, I felt that maybe this was for the best. But it was hard telling you all. Bro and sis Nuo had just started dating. I was afraid this would put a stress on their relationship. And then Grandma got sick…She was so happy seeing that Jun bought a ring for me that neither he nor I could come out with it.”
And then there is Jin…
It was very faint, but the feelings for him were beginning to take root in her heart. She was forced to face them when Jun tore it out in the open on New Year’s Eve. Yet, Shui kept ignoring those feelings. But she had no place to hide when she saw Jin and Ai dancing that night and now today too when Jin said he liked Ai.
That shook her to her core. He said that in front of the whole family which meant that there must be some truth to it perhaps. But that truth brought only pain to her heart. Now she knew why.
I like Jin.
She realized this on the same day when Jin already rejected her unknowingly. She accepted her feelings only to know that Jin wasn’t interested in her but Ai. Even though he might not be able to do anything because Jun and Ai were in a relationship now. But it didn’t mean that the feelings wouldn’t be there.
Shui’s fingers trembled as she curled them into her palm. “It’s all my fault…” she broke down, “I couldn’t accept Jun and his love, and I let him down. I let down our families…It would have been better if we had remained as just friends! Then I wouldn’t have made everyone unhappy like this!”
She ran towards her room, not wishing to talk about this anymore.
“Shui!” Siying exclaimed and he wanted to chase after her, but he felt anxious and helpless. He said, “I will try talking to her
Don’t worry,” and with that, he left to follow her.
Xinyi and Zhiyuan didn’t stop them either. Instead, Shui’s confrontation left a deep question in their minds.
“Zhiyuan…” she trembled, tears threatening to spill out of her eyes, “A-all this time…Were we unknowingly putting pressure on Shui?”
Zhiyuan clenched his fists, blaming and cursing himself.
“Jun was a good and sincere child. I felt so happy to know that Shui would marry him and have a good family in the future. But did our families’ excitement to see them together form expectations within her? Was she with Jun because she was just following what we wanted? Maybe…maybe she always wanted Jun just as her friend, but everybody’s insistence made her feel as if she really loved him…”
Zhiyuan shut his eyes. “You are right, Xinyi. It’s all our fault. We as adults and parents have failed. How…” he gritted his teeth, “How couldn’t we see this? Friendship and love are two very different feelings, but we blurred that difference for her. She was right. Even though I might complain about Jun, I really wanted to see them together because I knew nobody could love Shui as much as him. I wanted Shui to be happy, and I…I thought her happiness would be in him. But really…I didn’t even once ask what she wanted. I…why did I assume that Shui will love Jun the same way he did?”
He trembled, and he banged his fist on the table.
“Zhiyuan, stop! Hurting yourself is not the solution!” She wiped her eyes and held his hand, rubbing over the slight redness.
“Then what should I do? How could we make such a mistake? Just because Jun liked Shui didn’t mean that Shui had to like him back. But we failed to understand it! We unnecessarily hurt our children when we could have avoided all of it. Jun, Shui…we just made everything difficult for them. She just said she would rather be Jun’s friend. Those were her true feelings always. But we pushed her with our expectations and made her feel that she will let everyone down. How can I force my daughter into a corner like that, Xinyi?”
“I am her father for God’s sake! How did it happen that I am the reason behind her tears right now? Why did we have to fail like that, Xinyi…?”