446 Conditioned response
The entire next day had passed too, but Jin showed no signs of waking up. His fever remained at the same temperature. He looked paler as more time went by.
Shui kept questioning and urging Jun to let Jin be treated in a hospital. He wanted to too. But he also knew somewhere in his heart that it wasn’t a normal fever. It wouldn’t help Jin even if they took him to the hospital.
There was something Jin had to do to himself to get out of this bind.
“How long should we be doing this, Ai? The more time it takes, the more difficult it will be for Jin and to explain stuff to everyone else.”
Ai changed the wet cloth from his forehead and replaced it with a new one. She, too, felt helpless. Shui’s concern and questions started to grow more aggressive too.
“Shui hasn’t stopped crying since. I cannot see her in that state either,” she pursed her lips, “I had to force her to get some rest or she would have fallen sick.”
He shook his head, panic growing in his heart. He spent his whole day searching for the mystical woman to do anything to help Jin. To give any clue to what he could do to save his brother. But he didn’t find any trace.
Ai sensed the need to give the brothers some privacy. She patted the cat’s head, who hadn’t moved an inch from beside Jin’s chest and quietly left. “I will check on Shui.”
Left alone, Jun gently held his hand. His eyes ached feeling the temperature of Jin’s hot skin. “What’s wrong, Jin? I am here. If you have anything in your mind, please tell me. Don’t keep it in your heart and torture yourself like this. What is bothering you that it’s so painful for you? If you can hear me, then please…come back, Jin,” his warm tears plopped on Jin’s hand.
Jun rested his head on the back of his chair, closing his eyes.
‘Only he can help himself.’
No, he cannot. He is not able to. That’s why he is stuck in a loop. That’s why he cannot wake up.
If it was in Jin’s hands to decide, he wouldn’t choose this path of pain and grief. So there is something stopping him from moving forward.
But what…
He gently opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling.
What else is Jin keeping from me? What can he be hiding from me that it gets so painful for him? What is the truth that he would rather choose to suffer like this than admitting it?
If I was in Jin’s place, what would have been the most difficult thing for me to accept?
His dark brown eyes, which were staring at the ceiling, gradually widened. He jerked up to sit straight on his chair as if lightning struck him.
He fixed his gaze at Jin and whispered. “Jin…”
—
“Jin…”
Jin, who sat all by himself in that strange world with all his memories floating by him as he hugged his body to his knees, heard his brother’s voice again. He had been listening to him all this time.
His concern, his anxiety, his tears, his urge for Jin to come back as soon as possible…
Jin had been quietly listening to everything. But he had no strength to move. Or rather he chose not to react at all. He felt guilty for hurting Jun for so long. But he was terrified to go back to that world where he would have to face his brother with the truth.
He would rather die than let that happen.
“Jin…”
He had buried his face between his knees, his black irises looking empty.
“You love Shui…right?”
Jin froze hard as if he was thrown on top of a cold block of ice. The eyes which looked empty till now, got slowly filled with horror. His thoughts came to a breaking halt and all he felt was deep silence.
p-a- n-d-a-n-0-v-e-l、(c)om “You love Shui.”
This time, it wasn’t a question but a statement.
His body trembled with his heart jumping back and forth in his chest. It pounded loudly with extreme fear gripping his nerves. He felt a strangling sensation at the back of his throat as if somebody had snatched his voice.
No…
He hit his chest, feeling out of breath.
I-It’s not like that!
“In Shanghai, you said that you never loved Shui. You never saw her as more than a friend. But it was a lie.”
Tears spilled from Jin’s eyes. “You are wrong, Bro! You are completely wrong!”
Jun continued as he couldn’t hear Jin”s voice from that world of memories. “Or rather I should say that it was a…conditioned response.”
He stiffened.
“You were not lying. No, Jin. You never lied to me. You said that you never loved Shui because that was what you believed in. You forced yourself to believe that truth. So you weren’t lying to me. All this time, you were lying to yourself.”
He trembled. Drops of sweat trickled down his forehead. He panted as if he had been climbing a mountain.
“I kept thinking, Jin. What were you hiding so deeply in your heart? If our positions were reversed, what would have been the most painful feeling for me? I am so stupid Jin that I realized it so late.”
Jin shut his eyes, crying hard. His screams resounded in that world as he covered his face.
“If it was always you and Shui together and I had been in your place, the most difficult thing for me would have been to come to terms with my feelings for Shui. It’s so obvious. My brother loves her so much, yet I hold feelings for that same woman. I am so cruel. I am so disgusting. How could I look at my friend as a woman who would become my sister-in-law one day? How could I think of betraying my own brother? This is not true. This is just my misunderstanding. I don’t love Shui. I cannot possibly love her and so…I bury every last of my emotions related to her.”