472 The right to choose
“…”
The wind blew, fluttering ‘Guiying’s’ hair and rustling the leaves of the trees. The sunlight was mild and tepid. Though the weather was pleasant, ‘she’ sensed a storm brewing in her heart, carrying a lot of questions spinning in it.
What is this man talking about? He wants to be my friend? But he is already friends with that idiot.
“I don’t understand where this is going,” ‘she’ honestly expressed her confusion.
Zixin said, “I want to be your friend. Can I?”
“You are friends with Guiying.”
“But not ‘you.'”
‘She’ blinked. “Me? Am I not Guiying?”
He shook his head. “You two share the same body and consciousness. But as personalities, you two are different. ‘You’ are not Guiying, and Guiying is not ‘you.’ She has a different mind and beliefs of her own, and ‘you’ hold different values to be important. It’s unfair to treat ‘you’ the same as her.”
“Who cares? People will think you are crazy.”
Zixin stared straight into ‘her’ eyes. “I am not here to please the society. Guiying likes writing stories, but ‘you’ don’t. ‘You’ like smoking cigarettes, but she doesn’t. She is a little shy, but ‘you’ are bold. She holds a soft spot in her heart for Cai Lingyun despite all his atrocities against her while ‘you’ desire nothing other than seeing him getting punished. ‘Your’ likes, choices, hopes and fears might not necessarily align with Guiying’s because ‘your’ existence is not the same as hers. Naturally, I don’t want to treat ‘you’ like I would treat Guiying or vice versa. You two are separate beings, and that’s how you two should be treated.”
‘Guiying’ watched his gaze intently while trying to part her lips to speak. But ‘she’ couldn’t make a sound. ‘She’ was trying to process the information that Zixin bombarded her with.
It was just like that phone call of that evening.
Acknowledgement. Recognition.
Somebody was seeing ‘her’ as a separate entity for the first time. Zixin was here to mock ‘her’ but to extend his hand of friendship towards ‘her.’
“…Why…” ‘her’ hands trembled with cold despite the sunny atmosphere. “Why are you going so far? You have no reason to get involved in this mess.”
Zixin’s confusion looked real. “What mess?”
“The mess of two existences in one body! It doesn’t make any sense! You are not supposed to be asking to be friends with me!”
pAn,D a-n0ve1,c-o-m “Then?”
‘She’ was left stunned. “Are you an idiot!? A normal person would want to take me to a therapist. You know, do all sorts of things to drive me away? To help Guiying heal? It’s supposed to be scary!”
Zixin pursed his lips. “Please forgive my incompetence, but I am not getting your point.”
This man’s brain seems to have been hit too hard with that accident!
“Why is it scary? Guiying is a nice woman and so are ‘you.’ ‘Your’ and her tastes are different, but you two have the same pure heart. Doesn’t everybody want to be friends with such people?”
“…”
‘She’ wanted to vehemently protest against his logic, but ‘she’ couldn’t find the right words to do so.
“You…”
“Yes?”
“Are an idiot.”
“…”
Zixin’s expression fell. “Apologies that you have to see such an embarrassing side of mine.”
“…”
‘Guiying’ held her head to stop herself from fainting from dizziness. “How can you not want Guiying to see a therapist…?”
“Because it should be Guiying and ‘your’ choice. I understand that in societal terms, this may not seem normal. But ‘you’ appeared at a time to rescue Guiying when she needed it the most. ‘You’ lended her the strength to fight against her violent brother and make her stand on her own feet. It was because of ‘you’ that she led her life ahead with dignity and not some punching bag. After doing so much for her, the least ‘you’ deserve is the freedom to choose whether ‘you’ want to stay or leave. That choice shouldn’t be dictated by a therapist.”
‘Her’ tears fell. ‘She’ had been trying her hardest to stop from giving in to her emotions, but now ‘she’ couldn’t. ‘She’ couldn’t help it.
This was the fear that ‘she’ dealt with ever since ‘she’ was born within Guiying. ‘She’ wasn’t that naive not to understand how the real world worked and in this world, there was space for only one person to exist at a time.
A person with more than one presence would be treated as abnormal, outcast and with disdain. As such, ‘she’ knew there would come a day when Guiying might choose to get rid of ‘her’ to live a normal life.
‘She’ felt afraid that ‘she’ would cease to exist. That’s also why ‘she’ was afraid to talk to Zixin when he told he knew about ‘her.’ ‘She’ thought he was here to advise Guiying to get treatment and become a normal person again. Or he would tell ‘her’ to disappear.
And to listen to those words terrified ‘her.’ ‘She’ wished to see more of the world. ‘She’ felt like meeting new people too. Though their childhood was traumatic, ‘she’ was in search of a hope to see any goodness remaining in this world.
In essence, ‘she’ wished ‘she’ could freely live a life like Guiying did.
But ‘she’ also knew that it was a wish which would never come true. Once Guiying would meet somebody more capable and loving to take care of her, once somebody truly worthy of Guiying would walk into her life, ‘she’ would have no reason to exist anymore.
As ‘she’ peered into Zixin’s bright, clear and sincere eyes…
I think that day is not far away…
Zixin panicked seeing ‘her’ tears fall. He quickly took out his handkerchief and offered it to her. “I am sorry if I upset you. I might be unknowingly insensitive to certain things regarding ‘you’ and Guiying, so please do tell me if I hurt you.”
‘Guiying’ hesitated but accepted his handkerchief. ‘She’ wiped her tears and now, embarrassment set in. “Thanks…I am not used to this…”
He nodded. “Once we become friends, ‘you’ will get used to a lot of things.”
“…”