147 Healing amd moving on
“Yeye, what are you doing?” Han Zixin ran inside the garden to find his grandfather trying to pick a big potted plant.
“Ah Xin, when did you return?” Han Qian, his grandfather asked with a doting smile on his face. His grandson had gone to a summer camp for a week and he felt so alone at home. Although it was only a few months since Han Zixin came to live with him, he felt as if it was forever. It felt weird for him to live in such a big house alone.
Thankfully, Han Nanxian had come to live with him.
“I just arrived. The school bus dropped me at the door, ” Han Zixin said as he looked at his grandfather. “Where do you want to move this to?”
“To the shaded area, ” Han Qian said and he watched Han Zixin take the big potted plant to the shaded part of the garden. “Did you have lunch? Oh, it’s still twelve at the noon. You don’t eat lunch too soon. I will cook something for you. I gave the staff a day off since I was alone.”
Han Zixin felt as if something was not right with his grandfather who didn’t look like his usual cheery self.
“Yeye, why don’t you accompany me? I learned a few barbecue recipes during the summer camp. Why don’t I try them for you?” Han Zixin asked his grandfather, “You know what? Why don’t we try it together? We haven’t done things like this together for a long time.”
“Ah Xin, Nanxian is upstairs, ” Han Qian didn’t want to hide the matter.
“So?” Han Zixin cocked his brow. “What has this to do with me? He is your grandson. He can come and go whenever he feels like.”
“Ah Xin, I will never do something to hurt you, ” Han Qian said with a troubled look on his face. Because of his son’s obsession with a ghost both of his grandsons were suffering.
“Yeye, someone teach me how the opposite of love is indifference, not hate, ” Han Zixin said with a calm look on his face. “Hate is a heavy and negative emotion. It eats your soul and makes you hollow. He has his life and I have mine. You are the mutual ground where our life will always have. So, the sooner I accept this fact, the better it will be for me.”
Han Qian looked at his grandson with a heavy gaze as he saw him arranging for barbeque. He went inside to see what things they were lacking and what they might need to order from a grocery store. It was then when he saw Han Nanxian in the kitchen with dark circles under his eyes and making a coffee.
“Ah Xian, what are you doing?” Han Qian asked his eldest grandson.
“Coffee, Yeye. Do you want a cup of coffee?” Han Nanxian yawned.
“Nah, Ah Xin is setting up a barbecue girl outside, ” Han Qian asked. “He asked me to ask you what do you want to eat?”
“Han is here?” Han Nanxian’s eyes sparkled with rare happiness.
“Mhmm, ” Han Qian nodded his head.
“Yeye, I will help Han,” Han Nanxian said with a smile as he ran out of the door towards the patio.
Han Qian saw from afar how Han Nanxian began helping his brother without uttering a word. His eldest grandson knew his limits and it hurt him to see the two boys who once loved each other so selflessly estranged like this. As he was looking at the two of them, a memory buried inside his head came rushing to him.
*Flashback!*
“Yeye, we caught fish!” Seven years old Han Zixin said with the biggest grin on his face as he jumped while clapping his hands.
Han Qian, who was on the lakeside setting up the table to make some fresh fish for the children, looked up to find Han Nanxian sitting on the chair and his fishing rod holding a small and thin fish.
“Gege, you are the best, ” Han Zixin smiled so hard that his eyes went into form crescents. His brother had been sick for a while and they hadn’t left the house since then. His mama who worked in Gege’s house told him that he needed to behave as Gege was sick and doctors allowed the latter to not move too much.
[Gege: elder brother]
Little Han Zixin didn’t leave Gege’s side. His school had summer vacations and he spent every single moment sitting by his Gege’s side who would often have nightmares while resting. He would hold his hand and sing lullabies to him.
Nine years old Han Nanxian’s pale face glowed as he smiled while seeing his younger brother happy.
“Wow, aren’t my grandsons the best?” Han Qian said with a side as he ruffled their hair. Although Han Zixin was the housekeeper’s child, he never saw him as anything less than his grandson.
Han Zixin looked at his Gege who looked very happy today and felt proud of himself. ρꪖꪕᦔꪖꪕꪫꪣꫀꪶ
“Here, can Gege eat a little fish? He only eats boiled meat and vegetables, ” Han Zixin said in a small voice. “Gege never gets to eat yummy food. And Han doesn’t like this.”
“We can make something yummy but healthy for your Gege, ” Han Qian said after thinking for a moment.
While their grandfather was cooking for them, Han Zixin was singing a song that he had heard his father listening to this time. It was an old song but it was his current favourite. While singing the old song, he didn’t realise when he started adding his own lyrics. But since his Gege was very happy as he (HN) got the chance to explore nature, he (HZ) didn’t stop singing.
“Our Han will become a big star one day, ” Han Nanxian said suddenly.
“What’s the big star, Gege?” Young Han Zixin said with a frown. “Stars are too far from earth. I don’t want to be away from you.”
“Who knows if I will become a star before you, ” Han Nanxian said all of a sudden but the young Han Zixin didn’t understand his meaning. However, Han Qian who was standing behind them could understand the meaning behind his grandson’s words.
“We will become stars together then, ” Han Zixin announced, making Han Nanxian laugh.
*End of Flashback*
Han Qian wiped his eyes as he recalled that memory. He was so grateful to the almighty that his eldest grandson was living a happy and healthy life now. But his heart broke at the thought of how those two best friends and best friends could never be the same again.
After hearing Han Zixin’s words, he could tell that his youngest grandson had moved on from that matter. Sometimes, you don’t need to forget or forgive to move on. You could do that without any of them. He could no longer see hate or pain in Han Zixin’s eyes. He was grateful that his youngest grandson moved on from the most painful chapter of his life.
But was moving on equal to healing?
Oftentimes, we spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months analyzing situations, trying to put the pieces together, making excuses, or imagining how things could have been different if we had taken a different way or path. Moving on doesn’t happen in a single day. Then, one day comes and when we have enough of ourselves and everything and we decide to leave the pieces on the floor and walk away.
This was moving on.
But moving on doesn’t always mean we have healed from that wound.
Scars are evidence of healing.
Han Qian could still see wounds fresh on Han Zixin’s soul. Just because he had stopped blaming someone for his wounds doesn’t mean he would heal. Healing takes time and effort.
While Han Zixin had reached somewhere which was still not close to his destination, Han Nanxian was still clueless about the journey or the path leading to it. Han Nanxian was still standing where he was many years ago.
It was cruel. Too cruel to the boys.
They were bearing the consequences of someone else’s mistake. Only if Han Ziqiu had acted like a man and taken responsibility for his cruel actions, the boys wouldn’t have lost themselves.
“Yeye!” He heard Han Zixin’s voice. “I marinated the meat.”
“Coming!” Han Qian shouted and walked towards the patio. “Young boy, where is your friend? Call her and tell her we are having a barbecue.”
Han Zixin snorted. “Yeye, she might be convincing her parents or getting scolded.”
“Her family is a piece of work,” Han Zixin said. “She is taking all of them to family therapy. She believes family therapy could tighten their loose screws. I firmly believe that you should take your son to see one.”
“What? Therapist?” Han Nanxian said out loud.
“No, psychiatrist, ” Han Zixin replied, looking at his grandfather.
Han Nanxian choked on saliva as he heard his brother’s savage reply.
“Actually, it’s not a bad idea, ” Han Qian said, pondering about it. “Too bad, your grandma is dead. Or else I would have sent her too.”
___
A/N: The chapter is edited now. Thank you for your patience.
I wanted to say something. Now I forgot about it.