Chapter 134 - Soulless
~ ZEV ~
"Zev?" Sasha pushed up on her elbow, leaning over him, alarmed. He'd placed himself closest to the mouth of the cave to make sure he lay between her and any danger that might appear during the night. So she looked from him to the fire, to the cave mouth, searching for a threat.
She didn't realize the threat lay right next to her.
"Zev! What is—"
"I'm not—there's nothing happening, Sash, I'm just… I just thought of something."
"What? What is it?" She stopped scanning the cave and stared down at him, her hair falling in a burnished wave around her shoulders.
He stroked it back, away from her face and sighed. "We will mate," he said. "And we'll make a home. And we'll… eventually we might have children."
Her cheeks pinked, but she nodded. "Yes. So?"
Zev swallowed. "I don't know what I'm passing on, Sash. I don't even know what I am. Our child… they could be damned. They could be malformed. They could… any number of things could go wrong. If I'm right, I've never successfully had offspring. There's no way to know—"
"Never?" she asked, shocked. "I thought that was the whole point of all this mating?"
He nodded sadly. "It was. But there's been no success if the records I saw are real. They don't know if it's because I haven't tried enough with the right females, or what. But it seems that whatever switch they flipped in me that allows me to mate with multiple females also reduces my ability to have offspring. At least… that's the conclusion they're drawing because after three years, it still hasn't happened."
Sasha sat back on her elbow, chewing her lip, her brow furrowed. He combed her hair back again, watching her, waiting.
"I don't know whether to be sad, or ecstatic," she said after a minute. "I mean… selfishly, I want that for us, you know? Only for us. Selfishly I want to fistpump right now," she admitted sheepishly.
"I'll admit, there was a part of me that was relieved when I heard," he said dryly. "But it also puts all of my people at risk. If we can't become more successful in breeding, we might all be killed out of expediency. It's why the team is so nervous. It's why they didn't want me to connect with you—because they knew this would happen. They knew I'd stop the program. I… I don't know how much time we have until they start… putting Chimera down." He swallowed.
Sasha looked horrified. "You really think they'd do that?"
"Nick can't fake emotion. He can stay calm and lie to me. He can twist words and manipulated me. But he can't fake feelings. He can't make himself stink of fear when he doesn't. And yes, I believe him. When he told me that they'd pull the plug on the program, he meant it. He doesn't want to lose me, or us, or maybe just his lifestyle, I don't know. All I know is, when he thought it might happen, he was terrified."
Sasha's face went very serious. "We could… I mean if we mate… they could…"
"Execute us, yes."
She blinked and he stroked her hair. "I'll do everything I can—short of taking other females to make sure that doesn't happen," he whispered. "But the threat is real. And now… now I think about what happens if we are successful, Sash. Our child could be anything from a normal human, to a soulless creature. Can you… can you stomach that?"
"Literally?" she asked, spluttering with nervous laughter. "Like, am I going to grow a spider or something?"
"No! No, I just meant…" Zev swallowed. "I meant that if I'm damned, our kid might be too. Can you forgive me—could they forgive me if—"
"Zev, you have to stop with this existential crisis shit," she said fiercely. Shocked by her aggression, he stopped playing with her hair and stared. She shook her head, still leaning over him. "Soulless people don't lose sleep wondering if they're causing other people pain. They don't get traumatized by having sex with multiple women. They don't shake when they think about losing someone they love. You are not damned!"
He tried to force a smile. "You're beautiful when you're angry."
"Zev!"
"I'm serious," he said quietly, but raised his free hand to stop her when she opened her mouth to argue. "I hear what you're saying, but I'm not sure it's that simple," he said. "You understand that… that I was made by human hands, Sash? I have no idea what that means. I mean, am I more animal that human? I don't know. Do I have a soul? I don't think so—how could I? I didn't grow in the womb of a mother. I grew in a chamber in a lab. I don't have a birthday, I had a scheduled transition—that's what Nick called it. Can you imagine that? They just decide one day and unwrap you. Like a package from Amazon."
"Or a Christmas present," Sasha said softly, and he loved her for it. He pulled her down into his chest and kissed her hair and fought the tremors that wanted to shake his body again.
"This is real, Sasha. It's a real question. If we're going to do this… are you sure? Are you absolutely certain?"
Sasha sighed heavily, then pushed back up to lean on his chest this time, her arms resting on him. The pressure made his ribs twinge, but he loved having her so close, her eyes fixed on his… he held her there.
"It's scary, Zev. The not knowing. I'm going to have to think about that part—with kids, I mean. But am I sure about you? Yes. Absolutely. I've been sure since I was seventeen years old. My fear isn't about being with you. It's about coping if you leave me. It's stupid, I know. But that's what it is. I'm afraid you'll decide I'm not worth the hassle anymore or… something. I don't know."
Zev shook his head and took her face, pulling her down to kiss him deeply, his fingers fisted in her hair. Then he spoke against her lips. "I will never leave you again. Never."
Sasha blew out a breath, then kissed him again before whispering, "Then whatever we face in this… we'll face it together."
Then she settled down into the crook of his arm and played her fingers across his chest. "You aren't soulless, Zev," she whispered. "There's too much beauty in you."
He had to breathe deeply for a while to stop the ache of tears.