Chapter 193 - Need You
~ ZEV ~
Her eyes were red and unshed tears shone in her eyes. Zev's stomach plummeted.
"Hey, don't look like that. It's not a problem, Sash. I just meant you don't have to worry—"
"Not worry?! I just dumped your dinner on the floor!"
"So? It happens to all of us—I remember one time, Dunken was—"
"Zev, listen to me!" Her voice was high and thin. "I'm human. Not Chimera. I don't know all the things you guys know. I can't even cook a meal here! Everything is too big and too heavy. I don't know how to do things over a fire. I'm not strong enough lift everything. I don't know how to walk quietly in the forest. I can't turn into an animal and use that to hunt or… or anything! If I can't even cook a meal, how am I going to be any kind of leader here? You have to take the Alpha thing. Beat me in a fight, or whatever… Zev you have to!"
"Sash," he sighed, "We can talk about this later—"
"No, Zev. I realized talking to that Minos guy… I'm not one of you. I mean, I knew that, but… but he's right. It was a total fluke that I killed Xar. Everyone's going to realize that and they either won't trust me, or they'll think it was a set-up, just like your friend did. They won't trust me—and if they did, they shouldn't. I don't have a clue what I'm doing! I can't even walk through the dark without help. It makes absolutely no sense for me to make any decisions for you and your people when I can't even function in this world!"
He stood at her side. Sasha stared up at him. She still had her hand under that flow of near-frozen water, her skin turning red with the cold, and her teeth gritted against the pain. But her eyes… her eyes were pleading and miserable, shining with tears. Her brows were high. She was afraid and angry and so, so beautiful.
With a heavy sigh, he pulled her hand out from under the water and checked the reddened skin with the white prickles of tiny blisters where she'd burned it.
He lifted it to his mouth and kissed the spot softly.
Sasha's face crumpled and she drew her hand out of his, holding it to her chest. "You're so much better than me, Zev. At… everything. I'm going to end up letting you down and then… and then you won't… I mean, you might… regret it."
Zev frowned. "Regret what?"
"This. Me."
"What?!"
She looked back up at him and her jaw tightened. "I'm useless here, Zev. It's not like in my world where I can take care of myself. I know nothing here. And you're being so sweet, but you're under so much pressure. And now you have to watch out for me, too? That's going to get really old, really fast."
"Sasha, where is this coming from? I've been watching out for you since the day we met. You're my mate! I watch out for you and you watch out for me. That's what we do."
"Don't be ridiculous, Zev. I can't watch out for you—I can't even see or the hear the same things you can."
Zev sighed. "I don't mean the physical stuff, Sash. I mean… me."
She frowned. "I don't understand."
Drawing her away from the water, he led her to the end of the bed and sat down there. Sasha pulled herself up onto it and sat cross-legged. Her eyes were still red, but she was curious. Zev ran a hand through his hair and told himself not to be a pussy.
"I know the feeling you're talking about," he said quietly. "That feeling of being out of your place. Like… like you don't fit."
She nodded.
Zev grimaced. "That's been my whole life, Sash. I don't think you can understand when you've had a family and been a part of something but… but I don't belong to anyone. Do you get that? I was made. As a child I was just… watched. I had to grow and learn and… people helped me. But it's not the same thing. I've seen Chimera with their moms and dads. There's something special in that—two people in the world who watch out for you. Who teach you. Who… they have a sense of possession and protection. I've never known that, Sash. And it wasn't until recently that I even understood that that's what made this hole in my gut that I've carried around for as long as I can remember. Even the relationships I have are chosen. I don't belong to anyone." She opened her mouth to protest, but he rushed on. "At least, I didn't, until I met you."
Sasha's eyes were wide, clearing, and full of love. "You belong to me," she whispered.
He nodded. "I don't need you to protect my body, Sash. I need you to… to love me. I need you to want me. I need you to know me. I don't know how to explain it, but my whole life before you felt wrong—like something was missing. And then after you… after you it felt wrong whenever you were gone. And now with the bond…" He had to look away. It felt like he was cracking his own chest open and baring his heart to her. And he needed to, he knew. She needed to know how she was needed. But fuck… he'd never spoken these words out loud. What if she laughed?
He cleared his throat and took her hand and held it, staring at it because he was too much of a coward to meet her eyes. "The things I've done, Sash. The mistakes I've made. The ways I've betrayed you—and myself. And the lies I fell for…" He shook his head. "I need you, Sasha. I need you to forgive me, and see whatever it is you see in me. And not give up on that. Because without you, none of the rest of it matters."
Sasha's breath caught.