Chapter 264 - Moving On
~ LHARS ~
Everything in Lhars' head said to step carefully. Not to push. To find every reason to discuss with Kyelle that had nothing to do with him… but he couldn't think clearly. His entire body vibrated with barely concealed panic.
"Lhars, what—?" she started swimming towards him and he did panic then. He couldn't let her touch him or she'd discover exactly how his body responded to her!
"I talked to Zev," he blurted, then his heart sank as her eyes lit for a moment before the flare in them faded.
Stupid, stupid, stupid male. When was he ever going to learn to believe that her face would never light that way for him?
"Oh?" she asked carefully. "About what?"
"We… reconciled, I suppose you could say," Lhars said. "I think… I think we've made peace. I think he'll let me help him now."
Kyelle beamed. "Lhars, that's wonderful! Why did you look so serious?"
He shrugged uncomfortably.
Kyelle gave a small laugh. "Well, I think that's wonderful news. And as you know, we had our own reconciliation, you could say. So I know how hard it is. You did well, Lhars. Thank you for not giving up."
Lhars' heart wanted to crack in two. Kyelle had briefly cried in front of him after her last attempt at taking Zev. And she didn't cry in front of anyone. It had torn his heart from his chest. He'd admired her courage and strength in the same moment he wanted to weep—and he'd yearned to slam Zev into the dirt for turning his back on her, though Lhars understood she hadn't given him much choice.
How could his brother not see the beauty in the gem he'd been offered?
But then, Zev felt for Sasha the way Lhars felt for Kyelle, so perhaps he could forgive some single-mindedness.
"Look at us all, growing up and taking control of our lives," Lhars said quietly.
Kyelle smiled and nodded. She'd brought a cake of soap with her into the water and began to lather her hands and skin.
Watching her made his chest tight. "Do you think," he asked uncertainly, "I mean was Zev… do you think he was your One? Or do you—"
Kyelle's eyes dropped to the water and her hands stopped moving as she frowned. "I don't think… I have to pray he wasn't my One. I don't know. It's possible he can bond with more than one female, after all. But… I pray he isn't. Because he said no. That must mean I was wrong." Her voice had trailed off to a whisper by the end. The raw pain on her face made Lhars want to hold her. And to punch something. "I hope I was wrong. I hope he wasn't the only male who… who isn't hung up on my… my state."
Lhars brows popped up. "What state?" he asked tightly.
She pressed her lips together. "The fact that I can't have offspring," she said flatly. "Zev always understood because the humans interfered with his life as well. But I can't see how any normal Chimera could see me in that light when I'm so broken."
"Broke—what?" Lhars stammered.
"You know what I mean," she muttered, unhappy that he wanted her to talk about it. But Lhars wasn't having it.
"Is that why you're so focused on him, Kyelle?" he barked, far too aggressively. But Kyelle knew him well by now. She raised an eyebrow.
"You want me to sing of your brother's praises, Lhars?" she asked dryly, trying to break the tension. But Lhars was having none of it.
"No, I want you to stop referring to yourself as if you're a tool to be used or discarded. Answer the question, Kyelle, is that why you were so focused on Zev? Because you think he's the only one who'll look past that?"
Kyelle rolled her eyes and turned away. "See, you don't get it at all."
"No, I don't. You're a strong female—the Alpha of your Clan for the Creator's sake. Explain to me how you are broken? Or why any male wouldn't—"
"Look past it?" she seethed.
Lhars snapped his head back. "Yes. Why do you say that with such anger?"
"Because a female doesn't want to be looked over, Lhars. She wants to be seen and valued for exactly who and what she is. I don't want males convincing themselves that I'm still "worth it" when their hearts yearn for fledglings."
"Still worth it? Kyelle, you are more than enough—why do you speak about yourself like this?"
"For exactly the reason you just raised. This… thing is out of my control. And not my fault. And yet for most, they would have to look past it. To wrestle with it and determine that my lowered value was still high enough. Zev was the only male who never even considered—"
"Bullshit! That's bullshit!"
Kyelle's mouth dropped open. "Why are you yelling at me?"
"Because what you're saying is stupid and wrong and—"
"I am not stupid, Lhars!"
"No, you aren't, that's my point. Don't devalue yourself this way, as if this is the only thing you offer—"
"Since the females left, do you know how many males have approached me to display?"
Lhars froze. Did he want to know? He swallowed. "No."
"None. Zero. There is literally no competition, Lhars. Apart from Aurelia, I am the only unmated female left in Thana, and not a single male has ever displayed for me. It is… humiliating!"
Her face crumpled and she turned away from him quickly, the water rippling out from her beautiful skin. Lhars was immediately apologetic. He'd handled that poorly. But how to tell her without proving it to her?
"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I shouldn't have made you explain that… I'm sorry. I didn't intend—"
"No. I know," she said softly, but her back was still to him. "But I also know that males seek females for two things, love, and offspring. I can only offer one of those. And that… I'm not even sure about that…" her voice trailed off.
Lhars took a slow step towards her. "What do you mean?"
She lifted her hands to her face and he feared she was wiping away tears, but he couldn't see and she was swallowing, breathing deeply, calming herself so he wouldn't see her upset.
"Kyelle," he breathed. "I'm sorry, I—"
"Don't be. That's why we reconcile, or… whatever, right? So we can face the truth and move on. And that's all I'm doing, Lhars. My truth is that the only male I've ever felt truly saw me was Zev, but his heart was already taken. No other males have shown any interest in me, and I can understand why. So I need to learn to live with that. My work is fulfilling, and my life is… almost complete. I shouldn't complain. I'm sorry that I gave that to you. I should have plucked the feathers of it already, but clearly I haven't. So please, forgive me, and let's move on."
"But—"
"Please, Lhars. Please." she turned around to face him, her eyes bright but clear. And so beautiful, he wanted to pull her into his chest and never let her go. "Let's change the subject," she said quickly. "Was that the only thing you wanted to talk to me about? Or was there something else?"
Lhars went very still.
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