Chapter 11.10
Chapter 11.10
“Then properly tell me what kind of state you’re in. Because I’ve only seen you die of enjoyment.”
“I’ve been trying to tell you for a while, but my mind kept blanking and I started feeling weird…”
“Then isn’t that enough? What’s the problem?”
“I told you not to speak so carelessly!” Sangwoo screamed.
Jaeyoung flinched as he slightly took a step back. His force was so strong that he thought he would hit someone at this rate. The staring game continued for a while. Sangwoo looked really angry. The look in his lifted gaze was so sharp, that if it were to actually touch him, it would pierce right through him.
How long had they been doing that? Sangwoo’s expression gradually became distorted as his dark eyes filled up with moisture. He had a bad feeling.
“Sangwoo?”
Jaeyoung’s legs moved on their own as they raised themselves. When they were at eye level, he could definitely see tears in his eyes. Trembling facial muscles. His lip-biting. Jaeyoung unconsciously reached for his cheek, but was obviously blocked.
“Are you… crying?”
Sangwoo calmly stared at Jaeyoung and then turned away. As soon as Jaeyoung grabbed his arm, he aggressively shook it off and made him take a step back. He was about to enter the bathroom again, so he rushed in and put his hand between the door gap. When Sangwoo failed to shut the door, he escaped to a corner of the narrow bathroom. He covered his face with his palm and hit his forehead against the wall. It wasn’t just to the point that he was a little teary-eyed. Tears were pouring down his cheeks.
‘Ah… that’s cheating.’
Jaeyoung immediately lost his fighting spirit. The thorns that filled his heart for the purpose of defending himself were torn off. The sharp words he was going to attack Sangwoo with snapped and weakened. Wasn’t it too much to cry while arguing?
In a terrible mood, Jaeyoung left Sangwoo alone for a while. In the quiet space, only uneven breathing rang out loudly. How much time had passed since he turned on the water and washed his face?
“Have you calmed down a bit?”
Fortunately, Sangwoo’s pugnacity seemed to have been dampened as well. He walked past Jaeyoung and headed to bed, wrapped himself in the blanket from his neck to ankle, put his back against the corner of the bed, and squatted down. It was a defensive posture with only his eyes exposed and blankets wrapped around him like a cocoon.
While clicking his tongue, Jaeyoung pulled some pieces of tissue from the desk and placed it by Sangwoo’s feet. He sat as far away from him as possible, at the end of the bed. Time passed like that.
Sangwoo suddenly began to speak.
“You don’t know, sunbae.”
“No matter how hard I try to solve it by myself, I can’t… It just keeps standing up, making me lose my mind.”
Jaeyoung decided to listen to Sangwoo rather than interrupting him with words such as ‘me too.’
“All I think about is mating. I’m not really living these days. You might think it’s easy, sunbae, but for me…”
In detail, Sangwoo explained how difficult it was for him, and how damaged he was by Jaeyoung. It was a bit frightening when he said he’d rather get chemically castrated, but Jaeyoung didn’t interrupt, and just quietly listened. However, the more he listened, rather than sympathizing with his situation, the more he was filled with doubt.
He didn’t know what to say. If he told him that it was normal, or human instinct, and that others generally went through such hardships, would he believe him? Jaeyoung carefully chose what he was going to say. Chu Sangwoo tended to accept others’ words selectively and technically, so he had to pay special attention to his speech.
“Are you perhaps… pitying me?”
“No.”
“Then why are you making a fuss? Like an elementary school student that has never had an erection before.”
Fail. At this point, Jaeyoung didn’t have enough time to skip the nonsense. Sangwoo sniffled. His hand escaped from under the blanket and picked up a tissue. His neck reemerged and he blew his nose.
“Until now, I’ve been living while controlling my sexual desire. This means that I’ve never felt uncomfortable even while I’ve felt sexual impulses. This is all because you’re weird, sunbae.”
“I’m weird?”
“You look so sexy… If I put all my thoughts into action while looking at you sunbae, I’d have to be imprisoned for the rest of my life.”
“…”
“No, that’s not right. What faults have you done, sunbae? Being pretty isn’t a crime. It’s just that I’m a lewd piece of trash. Why did you have to make me this way, why? Everything’s ruined. It’s because of you, sunbae.”