Chapter 215 - What Forever Needs
Chapter 215 – What Forever Needs
ELRETH
She wasn't sure when he'd actually returned, but she woke when he was leaning against the sleeping platform and removing his clothes.
She ached to touch him, to pull him close, to beg him not to reject her. She prayed once he got in that he would scoot across to spoon her as he'd done the night before when he'd never not touched her in some way.
But he barely slid between the furs, then stopped moving.
The space between them in the bed felt like a yawning chasm to Elreth, as if the entire sky had just opened between them and even if she wanted to, she couldn't cross it.
What was happening to them? How was this possible so swiftly?
Was this their fate? To love each other, but be unable to see things clearly together. To constantly conflict?
She'd assumed that loving him was enough. That the squabbling and poking they'd always done would fade with their desire for each other.
How was it possible that they'd ended up here—not even able to touch each other only two days after their Flames?
Tears stung her eyes, but she swallowed them back, kept her eyes closed and kept her breathing silent.
She was so tense, her back began to ache, but she couldn't move. She couldn't risk him knowing she was awake and aware of his rejection. So, she waited. And waited.
It seemed she must have stared at the cave wall for an hour before his breathing finally slowed and evened out. Then she waited another half hour or so to make sure he was deeply asleep and she wouldn't wake him, before slowly, slowly pushing the furs back and sliding off the platform.
The night air was cold and she was naked, so she tiptoed to one of the nearby platforms and stole a fur from there to wrap around herself. Then she crept out of the cave, her mind spinning and tears threatening again.
She knew that fights happened between mated couples—she'd seen her parents bite at each other her whole life. But their love and desire for each other had always seemed paramount—like it overrode anything else between them. Soothing irritated nerves, and comforting hurt feelings.
That was why their recent fight had been so unsettling for her. It was the first time she'd seen them truly seem like less than a unit, joined at the heart.
But here she was, only two days into her Mating, and she and Aaryn were already at odds? Already walking away from each other?
Tears tracked down her cheeks, chill in the night air as she shuffled across the clearing.
Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. And she didn't have a clue how to fix it.
It took a minute to get the door open without making noise, then to close it again, but finally she straightened and sighed, pulling the fur tight around her body as her tears overflowed.
The moon was almost full, and framed by the mountains and tree-canopy so that it would have taken her breath away if she hadn't been in so much pain. The great white globe reflected in white streaks rippling on the surface of the river. In its light the grass turned silver, the water liquid steel, and the trees became blackened shadows clawing for the sky, their branches punctuated by patches of grays and blues where her eyes detected the night sky behind them.
She walked to the little area they'd set up around the fire and stood over it, staring at the barely smoking embers that still remained. She didn't need its heat, but she wished it was still crackling merrily to give some break to this endless black, gray, and silver landscape that only made her heart feel heavier.
She should sit on the log, but tension coiled within her and she needed to move. Except she didn't. She just stood there, heartbroken.
Would he change his mind? It seemed unlikely. So he would force her to choose another Advisor?
Embarrassment, thick and cloying, rose in her throat.
They'd all know. Everyone knew she wanted him as her Cohort and Advisor, and they'd quickly learn that as her mate, he could be. So they'd wonder why… why didn't he do it? Why did he choose to stay with the disformed instead?
She'd have to tell people he'd turned her down. That he preferred… preferred to work for them, than with her.
Elreth dropped her face in her fur-clutching hands.
Her Mate would rather help his friends, than her.
What was wrong with her? Aaryn had always been the only one who watched out for her. Everyone else seemed to think she needed for nothing, and could handle anything that came her way. They'd always relied on her—or resented her strength. But she'd needed help, even then. And now… now she needed somewhere to lean even more.
And now was when he chose to reject her? Now was the time her Mate decided to agree with the rest of the world?
Her chest felt like it was being torn in half. Raising her head, trying to swallow the tears that insisted on choking her, she pulled the furs to her chest and through the blur of tears, stared at the moon.
Why? She asked the Creator. Why couldn't we make it through two days without… why wasn't our mate bond enough? Why isn't our love enough?
Is this what this life will be like? Is something wrong with me? Or with him? Or both of us?
Why can't we even see together on such an important issue? What was it going to mean for us when we have other conflicts? Other issues?
Would he always choose the disformed over her?
A hollow opened in her chest and her breath caught. What if the mate bond wasn't enough? What if they'd somehow gotten it wrong?
Elreth swallowed hard once, then again, nausea rising in her throat to choke her.
Then she heard the cave door make the tiniest noise and she froze.
Breath quick and shallow she listened to the soft sigh that sounded behind her, then the almost silent footsteps that crossed the space to stand behind her.
What would he say? What should she say? Should she lie and say she'd changed her mind? That he should stay an Alpha?
She couldn't. She knew he could do more good for the disformed as her Advisor and—
Warm arms suddenly slid around her, and around the furs, pulling her back into a warmer chest.
His chin, stubbled and catching on the fur, dropped to her shoulder, and he kissed her temple.
Elreth began to tremble, terrified of what he might say, of how she might respond. Of how quickly they might end up yelling again.
But instead he only turned her around to face him and held her eyes as he stroked her hair out of her face and down her back.
They searched each other's gazes, both of their faces worn and sad.
Then Aaryn took her chin in his hand and kissed her softly.
She whimpered, but leaned into him, kissing him back, desperate in herself, but gentle and careful in her touches.
Aaryn was trembling, she realized and opened the fur to pull him into it with her.
He wrapped his arms around her neck, rested his temple on the top of her head, then sighed the heavy, relieved sigh of someone who has finally come home.
Elreth wished she could be so sure.
"No matter what, El," he rasped. "I still love you."
"I love you, too," she whimpered. "But—"
"Not now, El. Please?" he whispered. "Let's just… let's just be here together for now, okay?"
A shiver rocked through her, but she squeezed him tighter and nodded. "Okay."
They stood there for… a long time. She didn't know how long. But he kept kissing her hair and stroking his hand slowly up and down her back, until she finally relaxed into him. Then he pulled back far enough to meet her eyes.
Elreth stared up at him, fear and hope and anger all warring within her.
He dropped to kiss her mouth, so softly, so tenderly she was reminded of their lovemaking the night before. Then, his lips still against hers, he whispered, "No matter what, El. Forever. We will figure it out. No matter what."
She broke out in tears then and clung to him.
He shushed her and held her tightly until eventually, he leaned down to pick her up, swinging her legs over his arm and settling her against his chest.
Then, with her face pressed into the space under his chin, her arms around his neck, and the fur wrapped around her, he carried her back into the cave, pushing the door closed with his foot after they passed through.
He still didn't speak, his breathing was still shallow and rasping, but his hands tightened on her whenever she moved. And he dropped his chin to keep her pressed into his neck.
When he reached the platform, he slowly laid her down, then took the fur when she crawled underneath the furs they were using on the platform.
He crawled up to join her then, pulling her into his chest and hooking her leg over his so they were plastered together from chin to knee.
"I love you, El," he whispered, his fingers trailing up and down her back. "Now sleep."
"I love you, too," she repeated.
"Forever, El."
"Forever, Aaryn."
*****
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