Chapter 285 - Fear Of The Dark
Chapter 285 – Fear Of The Dark
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*****
ELRETH
Neither of them spoke for a while. Eventually Elreth lay in the crook of his arm, one hand on his chest. She could feel Aaryn sinking back into reality—coming back to face what had happened—but he was taking it in slowly, and she thought that was good. So she stroked his chest and kissed his shoulder, and waited.
Then Aaryn sighed, and it was a sound of such heavy grief that Elreth pushed up on her elbow to look down on him.
He met her eyes—his red, but clear—and waited.
"Are you okay?" she asked quietly.
"I'm a lot better than I would have been," he said, attempting humor, but not really reaching it. "What brought that on."
She shrugged. "I just wanted to be close to you. And I didn't want your first thought when you woke up to be a bad one."
He reached for her face, stroking her chin with his thumb. "I always knew you were amazing, Elreth. But sometimes you even surprise me."
She gave a twisted little half-smile and played with the fine smattering of hair on his chest. "What do you want to do now?"
He sighed again and dropped his hand over his head to rest on the pillow above him. "I don't know. I feel like… I feel like I don't want to do anything, but there's so much I should do and… I don't want to become her, El."
Elreth blinked. Frowned. "What do you mean?"
Aaryn's throat bobbed and he looked down, away from her eyes. "I can feel it in me—the desire to just hide away from people. To bury myself in the furs and never come out. I've always felt that. And I've always fought it. This… this feels like an excuse to give in, and I don't want to. I don't want to become her, El. I'm terrified if I stay here right now, I'll never leave."
Then he looked at her, checked her eyes for judgment or fear.
Elreth hoped he only saw compassion, which was what she felt. "You aren't her, Aaryn. But even if you were… she wasn't a bad person. She was just hurting. And… and I guess we all let her down."
Aaryn shook his head. "You guys didn't have any responsibility for what she was going through."
Elreth winced. "Well, my dad…"
*****
AARYN
Aaryn pushed that thought away. He didn't know how he felt about Reth's role in all of this. The way Reth had explained to him the day before they walked the Smoke and Flames had seemed right and true… he thought he likely would have done the same thing.
But now? Knowing the impact it had on his mother…?
But he didn't want to be in conflict with Reth either. Especially now. Aaryn groaned and pressed a thumb and forefinger into his eyes. "I just don't want to deal with things that way," he said firmly, more to himself than to Elreth. "I don't want to fall into that trap, and I feel like I could."
Elreth was quiet for a moment, unmoving. And he wondered if he'd scared her.
But then she let herself sink down. Buried her face in his neck, gripping the opposite shoulder, and kissed his throat. "Tell me what I can do to stop you from feeling like you want to," she murmured, then kissed his neck again.
Aaryn sighed and rolled over so they were facing each other on the pillow. "Always do that," he said and tried to force a grin, though he was sure it looked more than a little sickly.
Elreth put a hand to his face. "I will," she said. "But what else. What do you need, Aaryn? I've never dealt with someone who had that darkness in them before. What would have helped her? What will help you?"
His gut instinct was to correct her. He didn't want her thinking that he had that darkness the way his mother had. He didn't want her seeing him weak that way.
But that was true, wasn't? Wasn't that exactly what he was saying? Exactly what he was afraid of?
He did have that darkness within him. Until now, he'd tried to deny that to himself. He'd tried to help his mother with hers, and otherwise just ignore that that kind of darkness existed.
But now… now he felt the weight of it. A pit, a dark, heavy pit had opened in his gut and he was terrified that no matter what he put into it, it would never be satisfied. But how did you explain that to someone who'd never felt it before?
The truth was, he didn't know what he felt. Did he have his mother's darkness? Or a different version, all his own, that was bred out of hers?
He didn't know.
He just knew he didn't to become what she'd become—fearful, always alone, and never happy.
He didn't think that was what he wanted. Didn't think it's what he would be. But the fear lived on.
"Aaryn?" Elreth asked quietly, and it struck him that he hadn't answered her question. What was it? What help did he need…
He cleared his throat. "I just need you to love me, El."
She gave a flat smile. "But I'm already doing that."
He nodded. "Please keep doing it. Because sometimes it won't be easy. So, when it's hard… don't give up on."
"I won't," she said, and the words had the weight of a vow. "I'll never give up on you, Aaryn."
He pulled her into an embrace, and they lay there a long time, breathing in time. He wondered if her skin tingled like his. If she felt the tug on the mating bond like he did. If her own shiver of fear was joined by the thrill he felt just being close to her.
He was a mess. A boiling pot of conflicting emotions and desires and intentions, and he didn't know where to start.
How the hell was he going to deal with the disformed? He could barely think! But he needed to. He had to.
He had to get out of bed before it was the only place he wanted to be.
So, despite the way it felt like tearing a piece of himself off, he extricated himself from Elreth's embrace and rolled out of the furs, to stand on the floor of the cave, next to the sleeping platform. "Come on," he said with another sigh.
Elreth looked confused. "Where are we going?"
"To get an update from the Elders, and maybe have dinner. I don't know. I can't… I just can't stay here, El."
"But… why don't we go to the bathing pools, or something? Or a walk to the Weeping Tree? Aaryn, you lost your mother this morning. No one's expecting you to work right now—I'm not expecting you to!"
"I know," he said stiffly. "But it's what I need to do."
Then he turned for the closet in the corner. He could feel Elreth's eyes on his back as he crossed the room, but he didn't slow, and he didn't look back. "You asked what you could do," he said as he opened the closet door and pulled out a fresh shirt. "Well, this is it."
She sighed behind him, but he heard the furs snap back, and her feet padding across the floor.
He wasn't sure if he felt relieved, or disappointed.
Probably both.