Chapter 344 - The Hole Inside
Chapter 344 – The Hole Inside
AARYN
The same thing happened that had happened for him the night before. He'd been distracted and engaged—tired, but otherwise fine—when they were all together and everything was being discussed.
But as soon as they split off from Gar and were alone, walking down the trail towards the cave, Aaryn's mind turned back to his own home, his mother, his grief.
He felt it like a wet, heavy blanket, suddenly weighing down his shoulders and wrapping around his mouth until it was hard to breathe, let alone speak.
Every step closer to the cave pressed heavier on him, until his feet were dragging.
Elreth, lost in her own thoughts, didn't seem to notice until they actually reached the cave. When she stopped to lock the door behind them she turned back to him with a wicked grin on her face that fell away as soon as she saw his face.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" she asked hesitantly, stepping forward to put her arms around his neck.
Aaryn nodded, but let his forehead rest on hers and closed his eyes. "I will be. I think I just need to sleep," he lied.
She didn't respond right away so he opened his eyes to see if she was alright, to find her staring at him skeptically.
"Stop lying to me, Aaryn," she said quietly. "I know this is rough. I feel for you. I want to help. I can't if you keep pretending that there's nothing wrong."
"I didn't say there was nothing wrong," he growled, dropping his hands from her sides and turning away to walk back to the bedchamber. "I just said I was okay. And I am. It's hard, and I hate it, but there's no way to change it. And it's not like I can curl up in bed and just forget the world."
"Why not? If you need to—"
"No! Elreth!" he snapped, whirling on her. "That is the worst thing I could do!" he said and he knew he was overreacting, his voice too loud, his eyes too wide. Elreth's eyes were wide because he'd startled her, whirling on her like that. But she needed to understand! "You saw what that did to my mother! Don't you ever, ever decide that that's what I need too!"
"I wasn't, I wasn't, Aaryn, that's not what I meant. I just thought… I mean, we all need a rest sometimes. Maybe you need a rest day. That's all I meant."
"I don't," he graveled. Then he felt so embarrassed about overreacting he turned on his heel and started through the cave towards the bedchamber again. "What I need is other things to think about. It's when things are quiet, that's when it's hard. The rest of the time I'm fine."
He could feel her behind him, not believing him. But there was nothing he could do about that. He stormed into the bedchamber and over to the closet to take his clothes off. He'd bathe. That would help him relax, and then maybe he could breathe a little easier—and be a little easier on Elreth.
He knew he was making her burden worse when he acted like this. But she didn't understand! She needed to understand—he needed to do productive things. He needed to put his efforts into something good. Something he could be proud of. Otherwise, it would break him and that darkness would take him, just like it had taken his mother.
He knew the signs. And here he was, on the edge of that precipice. She just needed to hold his hand and love him and leave the rest to him. He needed to stay busy and not give in to that desire to lay down and give up.
He needed to show himself, and everyone else, that he was worth the trouble.
He'd just taken off his shirt and hung it up when her hands appeared, sliding up his back to his shoulders. "I'm fine, I said," he muttered. But then, without responding, she started kneading those muscles where his neck met his shoulders and even though they burst with pain because they were so tight, it also felt amazing. Like she was pushing the pain out of his life with those magic thumbs.
He dropped his head and groaned.
Then she leaned into him, her warm breasts pressing into his back and her hands coming around to splay on his stomach.
"I love you, Aaryn. Whether you can do all of this, or not. I still love you. And I know it doesn't feel like it right now… but so did your mom."
He huffed his skepticism at that.
"And…" she said hesitantly, which was so unlike her, it made his stomach trill with nerves. What was she going to say that she was scared to say? How bad would it be? "…I want you to know that I know that… even if Dad and Gar start getting along, he isn't going to stop loving you, Aaryn."
The words were like knives, cutting his skin open, revealing his ribcage and forcing his heart to beat there, vulnerable, in front of her.
"Well, of course not," he muttered and started unbuttoning his pants just to have something to do. "I never said—"
"I know you never said… but Aaryn, I felt it with my mom. When her and Gar were doing all that talking with their eyes and understanding each other, knowing things together that no one else knew. It made me feel like… like they were closer to each other than they were to me. And like I wasn't needed.
"I just want to make sure you know that you're still needed. Still loved. That this thing your mom did… that was about her. Not about you."
He opened his mouth to tell her of course he knew that, but the words caught in his throat and his breath shuddered out of him.
Elreth's hands on his stomach tightened. "I'm here," she whispered. "If you need anything, please. I'm here."
Swallowing the lump that had appeared in his throat, Aaryn turned around. Their eyes locked and she didn't move back, pulling him into her belly.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I know I'm all over the place. I love you, El. I couldn't get through this without you. Thank you."
"I love you too."
The hugged for a long time.. He just wished it felt like it could fill the hole in his heart.