Chapter 435 - Panic - Part 3
Chapter 435 – Panic – Part 3
RIKA
The thing about her attacks were that they always passed. Sometimes it took twenty minutes. Sometimes it took hours. But eventually she always found her way out of the fear. It just… hung around in the back of her mind waiting for the next time to take over.
So, as Gar's mother rubbed her back and they sat quietly against that wall, slowly but surely, Rika's heart slowed and her breath stopped hitching. She wasn't sure how long it took. It seemed like they sat there forever, and like it passed in a blink. As if it had all been a dream. But Rika knew if she looked up she'd see those blankets on the floor, the bodies beneath them…
She shuddered, and Elia squeezed her shoulder.
But eventually Rika felt calm enough to lift her head and a deep breath. The tension in the room seemed to ease away as she did—as if they'd all just been waiting on her. Which made Rika want to weep with sheer frustration.
This is what always happened. She found people she liked, who liked her. It looked like things would go well. Then she got triggered, flipped out, and everyone started walking small around her. She felt like a freak, and ended up pulling away out of embarrassment and fear.
God help her, where was she going to go after this?
"Thank you," she said quietly to Elia. "You're good at this."
"I had panic attack for months after my parents died," Elia said with a sad smile. "I remember the feeling."
Rika nodded. She'd known Elia must have had some experience or training. Most people did all the wrong things when she panicked, until she fled. It wasn't until Rika had had a counsellor in college who'd helped her understand trauma, and PTSD, and why her body and mind reacted to things that she'd found some better ways to deal with her fear. Usually. She understood herself better now—knew it would only take time for the fear to pass. Most of the time.
But she'd never been faced with cold-blooded murder before.
She wanted to stand up and walk around, but she was afraid she'd freak out again when she saw the bodies so, ignoring Gar's piercing gaze, she made herself look over to the area on the floor where they were—and was surprised to find only the blankets crumpled on the floor. No eerie, body-shaped lumps between them.
"We took them out," Gar said quietly. "So you didn't have to look at them."
Rika must have been really out of it to have not registered the movement and sounds of that process. That made her nervous. How deep had she gone?
She looked at Gar then, reflexively, and her heart immediately dissolved into a puddle of grief.
Gar sat cross-legged, a few feet in front of her, his eyes fixed on hers, and his expression painted in confusion and pleading.
He didn't understand why she didn't believe him. And he was afraid of what this would do to them.
How was it possible he was so afraid to lose her when they'd known each other for such a short time?
And how was it possible that the thing tightening her breath just then was the image of her mind of never seeing him again? Not the carnage she'd just witnessed?
Hadn't she just been desperate to get away from him? From all of these people? Didn't she want to be away from them?
Staring at Gar, the answer was no.
She didn't even understand herself. How could she expect them to understand her?
Rika sighed and dropped her face into her hands again. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Don't be," Elia said briskly from her side, patting her arm. "This is all very real."
Rika raised her head, letting it drop back against the wall. She couldn't look any of them in the eye just then. "I'll be fine now," she said. "Thank you for your help. I'm not panicking anymore."
Elia rubbed her arm and said soothing things that Rika didn't really register. She was too busy watching Gar, wondering how he was going to take all of this. Wondering how she was going to feel being around him and Elreth now. After… that.
She swallowed and made herself meet his eyes again and not let go this time.
He didn't waver.
A short time later Elia pushed to her feet and her husband—her mate, Rika reminded herself—got to his as well. Something passed between them that Rika could feel. It made her turn to look, and breathe through the increased heartrate and adrenalin feeding through her system at the sight of the former King.
He was so huge. She knew if Gar stood, they'd look each other in the eyes, and Gar was just as massive. But Gar didn't feel as big as that man who filled a doorway and stood over his mate like she was breakable.
His name was Reth, she thought. She was glad that he didn't come closer. But he watched his mate with the same intensity that Gar stared at Rika—more so, if that was possible.
"Would you like me to stay?" Elia asked her in a whisper. "Would you feel safer?"
Rika looked back to Gar, who stared like he was hanging on her words.
He wanted to talk to her, she knew. And she wanted to talk to him, too. But alone?
Yes, she decided, she did.
"I'll be fine," she said finally, reminding herself that it was true. It had to be. Gar had only ever done what she'd asked. He'd always given her space when she needed it. And when she wasn't afraid, she felt better when he was close.
It was the strangest thing.
"I'll be fine," she repeated, nodded.
Something warmed in Gar's gaze.
Elia patted her arm again, smiling. "I'll stay close. If anything goes wrong, one of you can call for me, okay? Or come to my tree anytime. You're welcome here, Rika. And you're safe. I promise."
Rika gave her a grateful smiled, and endured the woman's unsolicited hug. Then she watched as Elia stalked across the hall to her mate and was gathered into his arms, his eyes aglow with love and a fierce protectiveness.
Rika swallowed. She wanted that. She did. Something inside her ached just seeing it.
Would she ever feel safe enough with a man to relax into him like that?
Gar's parents pushed through the double doors and out in the WildWood, leaving Rika alone with Gar.
And when she turned her eyes up to find his, the ache in her chest pinched harder.
Would she ever feel safe enough with Gar to relax like that? Because she could see in his eyes the echo of the same love, the same fierce protection she'd just seen in his parents.
Rika blew out a breath and tried to break the tension.
"Thank you for not walking away when I freaked out," she said quietly.
Gar's brows rose. "Your people would… walk away when you were scared?"
Rika grimaced. "I don't really have any people anymore," she said honestly, though it hurt to admit.
"Yes, you do, Rika.. Now you do," Gar said, his voice so deep and hushed, it seemed to vibrate in her feet.