Chapter 441 - Step Carefully
Chapter 441 – Step Carefully
RIKA
They'd eventually made their way back to Gar's tree. Rika had been so grateful there wasn't anyone else on the trail. Her blood churned with a mix of uneasiness that was ready to turn to fear, and embarrassment. She felt so weak next to these people who were so strong and capable. But she was reminded again of what Elia had said—that their flaws were the same as humans, just harder to see because of their obvious strength.
Gar hovered over her like his father had done with his mother, and her feelings about that were mixed as well.
The part of her that wanted to love him was warmed—it wanted to sink into his chest, bury her face in his neck, and let him fight the world for her so she could rest.
But the part of her that feared, that remembered that her father had been protective also, had been possessive, in fact, and where that had taken them. Turning her once bold and charismatic mother (if their wider family could be believed, because Rika never remembered her that way) into a woman who made herself small.
"I don't want to be small," Rika said as they stepped into his tree, then clapped a hand over her mouth.
Gar closed the door behind them, then frowned at her. "I'm afraid I can't do much about your height," he grinned.
Rika blinked. She could smile, she could laugh it off, but… something within her pressed forward. If this was ever going to work. If there was ever a chance that Gar could be a different kind of man… she had to press him to show her.
She swallowed, the roof of her mouth dry and sticky, and faced him, shaking her head. "No, Gar. I mean… my mother… being in a relationship with my father made her small. She used to be someone who was powerful, I guess. I mean, I don't know. I wasn't there. But everyone told me that she used to light up a room, and be loud and confident, and… and the woman I know isn't any of those things. She makes herself small. She doesn't want to be noticed. She's afraid of being seen."
Gar's lips went tight and thin, his eyes flat. "This male that is your father has a great deal to answer for," he growled.
Rika almost flinched, but made herself hold his gaze. She nodded.
Gar sighed. "I know what you mean," he said. "I've seen it before. When the wrong Anima get together. One of them has to… sink into the background to make the other happy. And that's not what I want, Rika. I don't want you to be anyone other than who you are. But your fear… I don't want that for you either. I want you confident to face the world. I want you to know that when you stand up to someone, you can rely on me standing at your back, ready to help if you need it."
"What if I don't need it?"
"Then I'll just applaud."
Rika tilted her head. "You have all the right answers, don't you?"
Gar snorted. "You're kidding, right? Talk to my family. You'll find I'm the black sheep here. I hardly ever have the right answers, according to them. It's half the reason I started working with the disformed. Because that's where I felt like I could breathe. Like… like I could stand or fail, and whatever it was, it would be without someone watching or deciding for me which way it was going to go."
Rika blinked. "I… I know that feeling. It's why I got into survival and science and… it's why I ended up here. Because I refused to do anything else in my life that forced me to rely on other people. I needed… I needed to prove myself. To myself."
Gar's forehead pinched into lines. "Yeah. Me too." He swallowed hard. "Rika… I know you're not… I mean, I know you don't feel this the way I do. But… but everything you say it's like it falls into me. Like it just… fits."
Rika nodded. He was exactly right, she realized. When she wasn't freaking out, that's how she felt too.
She'd been itching for those days he'd disappeared, even though he'd warned her he would go. He'd been gone so much longer than he thought he would be, and she'd felt like bugs were crawling up and down her bones. Until her teammates arrived, she'd been seriously considering actually approaching the Tree City, as he called it, and seeing if she could locate him. The idea that he might have been hurt, or worse, had stolen her breath.
It had been the first time in her life she'd felt like her life would be worse if someone disappeared from it. Usually she felt like people were a hassle. Even the ones she liked. The effort and the risk of being close to people just didn't feel worth it half the time. Even at university, even when she was getting therapy, she'd always hung back in relationships. Always been the one to end them, or pull away.
She'd always been so careful, even when she was young. Relationships had always happened on her terms, and in her timing, and ended when she chose.
So when Gar said he was going to be gone, she'd been fine with that. It had been a little uncomfortable for her how comfortable she'd been feeling about having him around.
But then he really left and… for the first time, she hadn't felt better alone.
First it pissed her off.
Then it scared her.
Gar was the first time she felt like she lost her power. As if… as if it didn't matter if he was abusive, or he was crazy, as if she'd want him close anyway. And that scared the living daylights out of her.
It was the first time she thought she might have understood what drew her mother to her father—though she couldn't imagine her father ever being as kind or careful as Gar had been with her.
But her desire for him, the way she wanted to smile when she saw him… it drew her closer, always closer, and that meant that… that meant that she didn't have control. That someone else had a grip on her heart and could hurt her, even if she didn't want him to.
Rika shuddered and Gar, who'd been about to turn towards the kitchen stopped dead.
"What is it?"
Rika looked up to find him staring at her as if he was the one in fear. As if he was the one out of control.
As if he was the one who was going to get hurt.