598 Without Me
Gilas yawned as he went about his work. Having just left Clara to her own devices, he was honestly thankful that they hadn’t spent too much time in close proximity together these past few days. Well, deep inside, he was pretty bummed at not having close contact with her, but logically, he was glad that he didn’t have to deal with the constant pain of having to resist the urge to just wrap her around his arms like he usually did every night.
Really, the urge was getting so bad that he was starting to lose sleep over it.
“Yet another sleepless night…” he sighed to himself as he made his way to his own office within the manor. “As if there’s anything I can do about it anyway…”
[There is one, and that is to just hug her in your sleep like you always did,] Ham reminded with a chuckle. [It’s not like it’s going to be the first time, let alone the last one since you’ve both done it constantly for the past week or so.]
He sighed. [It’s not as simple as it sounds,] he replied to his wolf. [I can’t just hug her out of the blue like that. Especially during our night’s rest? It’ll look like I’m trying to take advantage of her.]
In fact, even back then when Clara experienced nightly shivers, he already felt like he was taking advantage of her vulnerable state. Everytime she felt cold, he was more than happy to provide her with the warmth she needed. Every night he did so, he shamelessly used it to his advantage, getting as much of her as he possibly could while also doing her some good in keeping her comfortable.
Unfortunately, however, those times seemed to be over with Clara no longer having the chills he was so readily available to smother for her. Sure, they still slept on the same bed, thankfully, but he didn’t have her unspoken permission to simply cuddle up to her in bed. It was very different from when he had a blanket approval to keep her warm.
This was solely out of his own greed and wants. There was literally no benefit for her to hug him now whatsoever.
[What do you mean there’s no benefit?] Ham scoffed. [She still needs skin contact with you to even feel the Mate Pull. That’s more of an incentive in my opinion.]
[But that isn’t how she sees it, doesn’t she,] Gilas retorted with a mental scoff of his own. [I won’t force her to be with me if she doesn’t want to. In fact, if she ever decides to move to her own bed, then that’s fine by me as well.]
[Are you hearing yourself right now?] his wolf incredulously asked. [You’ll seriously throw away the progress you made with her just like that?]
Gilas blinked, his thoughts remaining solely on his internal conversation with his wolf. [What progress? Getting her to sleep in the same bed with me was a compromise, to begin with,] he nonchalantly explained. [The only reason that it even happened was because she was too weak and I had to comfort her through such a difficult time.]
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[Why do you even feel guilty about that?] Ham interrupted his reminiscing with a scoff. [You were just glad that she was even alive to begin with, right?]
[But I still took advantage of her back then,] Gilas grumbled. [Now that I think about it, how in the world did I even get to this point in the first place?]
[By doing your best? By actually being there for her?] his wolf enumerated. [Don’t think too hard about it. This is for both of your sakes, right? She can’t even feel the Mate Pull unless we touch her. If she can’t feel such a gift, it’s our responsibility to at least try and help her feel it.]
Gilas absently nodded at his wolf’s words. It was rather sad if Clara unwittingly ignored such a blessing just because he was too afraid of offending his mate. He was simply helping her experience another facet of their lives as werewolves, and if she didn’t like him, then they could just move on with their lives and call it a day…
“But I don’t want to do that to her,” Gilas verbally finished his thought, mumbling to himself as he stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of the hallway. “Even if she rejected me, I at least want her to give me a fair chance.”
[A chance that the Mate Pull is giving you right now,] Ham further added. [Face it. You’re just too afraid of scooping her up and giving her a simple hug. Seriously, if you want to have her, you should at least be able to man up and cuddle up to her in each other’s sleep.]
[But what if she won’t like it?] Gilas weakly asked. [What if I lose control somehow?]
[Just don’t,] Ham scoffed at him like it was the most basic thing in the world. [Haven’t you already proven to yourself dozens of times that you can at least be trusted to do that much? Were all those nights doing nothing but keeping her warm mean nothing to your self-control?]
Gilas clicked his tongue as Ham’s words resonated with him. True enough, he had managed to stop himself time and again for days on end. He had kept himself to his most basic of tasks in keeping Clara warm, and he never once succumbed to the urge to take her even if she was wrapped around his arms with no way to escape him.
[You know what? You’re right,] Gilas chuckled. [Maybe I should just go for it.]
[Right?] Ham chuckled back. [It’s not like you two haven’t done anything more than just the cuddling. Remember, she almost surrender herself to you that last time! You two even partially reached doing the deed! Seriously, what would you do without me?]
Shaking his head, Gilas replied, [Still watching by the sidelines, I suppose.]
With a shrug, he gave himself a small chuckle before continuing on with his daily tasks. Perhaps there was a time when he needed the subtle approach. But with his sleep in danger of being taken away from him, perhaps now was the time for him to be a bit more proactive.