The Law of Averages

Chapter 36

Spirited conversation filled the normally peaceful lobby of the Pearson Hotel. A clamor favorably compared against a live orchestra or a marching band echoed off the wooden walls. Chandeliers shook in their mounts, portraits trembled on the walls, and bits of debris rained down from the high ceiling, dislodged by oscillating soundwaves. Passerby flinched on the streets outside as the vibrations reached their ears, the dull bass tones evoking a sort of primal terror in their lizard brains.

A pigeon half a block away fled its nest.

All of these reactions stemmed from the same event. Officer Gregoir Pierre-Louise, a man who had mastered the art of talking in CAPSLOCK, was having a lively conversation with a very confused young man named Daniel Newman.

Dan wasn’t entirely sure what they were talking about. About five seconds into their chat, his ears developed a curious ringing noise that only grew louder as time passed. This might have been more alarming had he the mental faculty available to spare a thought for it. Unfortunately, Dan was, to put it mildly, a bit preoccupied.

Gregoir’s enthusiasm had that effect on people. It was a bit like a blunderbuss to the face: deafening, unexpected, and lethal. An experienced gossip like Margaret could take such a blow; she was armored by age and experience, tempered through years of nagging and dismissive in-laws. Dan was but a fledgeling caught in a storm. It was as if he faced Grandma Summers once more, held in a vice by sheer charisma. Rather than the pants-shitting terror he felt in front of the older woman, he instead received the absolute sincerity, beaming out from every pore, of the imposing man before him. It held him riveted, enthralled, he felt a rush of energy and excitement. Whatever Gregoir was saying, the man believed it with every atom of his being.

Dan was just having a bit of trouble processing the words.

Mostly because he was well on his way to temporary deafness. Gregoir’s volume was not a part of his natural charisma so much as a consequence of the man’s own passion. At some point (Dan hoped), Gregoir would likely reign in his voice, but that time was not now.

Thus, the conversation passed in a bit of a blur, as Dan defaulted to the ‘smile and nod’ tradition of his working days. It was a defensive strategy he had developed to deal with authority figures who had vastly better interpersonal skills.

At some point during the one-sided dialogue, Abby called the hotel to inquire after her wayward friend. Margaret, ever the doting Aunt, spent some time teasing her niece before thoroughly ruining Dan’s manly image by describing his glassy-eyed stare. The elderly widow would be spared his wrath for quite some time, as it would take Dan over a week to even recall this event. Most of his focus was firmly occupied by nodding whenever Gregoir stopped speaking. Such was his distraction, that he allowed himself to be led out of the Pearson by a genial, if insistent, blonde giant. They left a bemused Margaret behind, Dan fully on autopilot, gracing her with a smile and a wave.

Long story short, Dan regained his wits in the passenger seat of a squad car as it drove down a winding Austin highway.

Gregoir was speaking. His voice had quieted down to a level appropriate to an open space, like a public park or city street.

“—almost at the precinct. I’m very pleased that you agreed to come along with me today!” he boomed, seemingly unaware that he was inside of a small vehicle.

The ringing in Dan’s ear settled to a low but steady thrum. Focus returned to him. Dan took in the passing scenery with no small amount of confusion.

Did a fucking police officer just kidnap him? What the hell happened!?

Swallowing dryly, he asked, “Where are we?”

Gregoir paused his speech, then replied cheerfully, “As I just said: We’re almost at the precinct.”

“…Why?” Dan clarified slowly.

The hulking blonde glanced over with visible confusion. “So that we can arrange a ride along, of course! Are you feeling well, Daniel? Or perhaps having second thoughts? You seemed rather enthusiastic about the idea earlier.”

Earlier?

Dan scanned his memories with a frown.

Damn! This loud fellow broke Dan’s eardrums and then expected him to hold a lucid conversation? Dan could just vaguely recall agreeing to something like a tour of the police station, but only because Gregoir’s voice had the same effect on his brain as a baseball bat.

And why was this lunatic still trying to scout him for the police?

“Having second thoughts is an accurate description,” Dan decided.

“Believe in yourself!” Gregoir bellowed. Dan flinched at the sound, and again as a massive hand enthusiastically slapped him on the back.

“You have the heart of a hero, Daniel!” he continued, making a fist for emphasis. “There is greatness waiting within us all, we must simply seize it!”

Dan remembered him making a statement to that effect the first time they met. It sounded just as vacuous back then. Dan didn’t bother hiding the doubt on his face.

“It is important for those of us who are heroically inclined to find appropriate outlets for our urges!” Gregoir cried emotionally. “I knew you had these, the moment I saw that security video months ago!”

“No urges here,” Dan denied with a swipe of his hand, thoroughly discomforted by Gregoir’s questionable vocabulary.

“Do not deny it!” Gregoir boomed. “Why else would you have interrupted that robbery, if not for your heroic concern for the lovely Miss Margaret?”

Dan sighed, rubbing his temples with both hands. This was an insane conversation, and only the fact that Gregoir knew where he lived was keeping Dan from teleporting away to escape it.

Well, that and the police badge. Pissing off a cop in any dimension was a bad idea.

So Dan decided to make his case.

“Look, Officer, uh, Pierre-Louise—”

“Feel free to call me Gregoir!” the gregarious man interrupted with a beaming smile.

“Gregoir,” Dan amended with a sigh. “I never meant to actually interrupt that robbery. I literally walked into it on accident. The only reason it went down the way it did, is because my mutated upgrade is especially sensitive and easily activated. What I meant to do, was teleport to the nearest phone and call the police.”

He paused, allowing plenty of time for his words to sink in. Dan was well aware of the officer’s naive worldview. This was a man who believed that Dan planned to distract a thief by vomiting on him, so Dan expected some repetition to be necessary.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Gregoir filled the silence.

“Regardless of your intentions,” he began in a remarkably level tone, “your actions revealed your inner self.”

“That’s what I’m trying to explain,” Dan replied exasperatedly. “My teleportation upgrade is on a hair trigger! As soon as I saw the gun, I knew I should find a phone, but I made the mistake of imagining myself interceding anyway. That was a huge mistake! I could’ve gotten Margaret killed!”

“Ah!” Gregoir exclaimed triumphantly. “So you first imagined yourself doing the responsible thing, finding a phone and calling for help, and then you imagined yourself interceding? Why did your upgrade only trigger on the second thought? Could it be that it was the one you wished to truly act on!?”

“That’s—” Not entirely wrong. Dan bit down his instinctive denial. He never would’ve imagined that the burly blonde giant was actually somewhat perceptive.

“This is what I do, Daniel,” Gregoir continued unabated. “I find troubled young men and women, people with fire inside of them, and I guide them along a righteous path! Vigilantism is a slippery slope. I’ve seen it many a time!”

“That’s not really an issue for me,” Dan muttered. The desire to randomly fight crime had died out within days of arriving in this dimension. This was not a comic book world. There was no Justice League. He couldn’t throw on some spandex and brawl with criminals just because he’d gained a shiny new power.

Nothing killed dreams quite so quick as reality.

“I started training to be a disaster relief volunteer,” Dan confided awkwardly.

Gregoir lit up. “A noble calling!”

His brows then furrowed. “Though, I feel I must warn you: It is a bloody business, and not one for the faint of heart.”

“So I’ve been told.”

Gregoir’s meaty fist thumped against his chest. His passion ignited once more as he proclaimed, “Our society is under constant attack! Villains! Murderers! Black-hearted criminals! It is the duty of those with strength to protect those without!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes I know. With great power comes great responsibility.”

“How inspiring!”

“What?” Dan turned to look at his companion. The larger man’s eyes glistened with moisture and brimmed with emotion.

Fuck. Was Spiderman a thing in this dimension? Dan couldn’t remember.

“You truly understand!” Gregoir exclaimed. Dan edged away, pressing himself against the door. If Gregoir tried to hug him, he’d teleport out, damn the consequences.

“I’ve decided.” Gregoir took a deep breath. “The APD must have you! Please Daniel, at least take a tour of the facilities. Meet my valiant brothers and sisters. I’m certain that we can convince you of the righteousness of our career!”

The man looked so damned earnest that Dan almost laughed out loud. An eternal optimist, that’s what Gregoir was. Shameless too. What kind of grown ass man uses puppy eyes?

But he wasn’t entirely detestable. It was hard to dislike a man so obviously honest. While Dan certainly did not want to spend any more time around him than necessary, getting to know the local police department could only bring benefits. Its not like Dan was planning on breaking the law any more than his existence demanded.

Maybe the rest of the officers were more… normal? That would be a relief.

Dan hummed in consideration. The police precinct loomed in the distance, a minor fortress in Dan’s eyes. He needed to make a decision.

Fuck it. New experiences and all that jazz. He doubted they ran detailed background checks on every person who entered the place. It should be perfectly safe. There was no real downside as far as Dan could see. He had questions about the vigilante laws anyway. Best to get an expert’s opinion on it, rather than consulting the internet. He just hoped they had a phone so that he could call Abby. She had to be worried by now.

Dan turned to Gregoir. “Just a tour.”

The blonde viking beamed like a child.

Dan sighed.

Just a tour. That’s all. No big deal.

What could possibly go wrong?