Book 10: Chapter 20:
Book 10: Chapter 20:
“So, what’s the problem?” Fenrir asked Rao while Corwin worked on brewing a fresh pot of tea for the three of them, humming to himself as he did so.
Corwin’s humming was so pleasant on the ears, in fact, that Rao ended up just staring at him and getting completely lost.
Fenrir tried waving a hand in front of Rao’s face to grab his attention. “Rao?”
“Oh, right, sorry,” Rao answered. “It’s just, the way he hums reminds me of how my mom used to be. Back in the day.”
Fenrir was tempted to suggest something along the lines of visiting her, or asking how she was, but he didn’t want to accidentally make things awkward in case she was dead or otherwise not around.
Fortunately for Fenrir, Rao did that for him. “Too bad ditched us. Abandoned me for the first guy who threw enough money at her. Hey, is it weird that I still miss the old her even if she ditched me?”
“I—I’d say that’s normal. You miss what you used to have with her, not who she is now.”
“I guess that makes sense. But yeah. She used to hum all the time while making dinner in the kitchen after school. Still don’t know how she went from that to dumping me off at her dad’s without any warning, but,” Rao shrugged. “The past is the past.”
While Fenrir might have had the tact to not pry deeper into that, Corwin seemed unable to resist as he set down a mug of tea for each of them before asking, “Did she truly do that? Just… abandon you?”
“Yep.”
“You seem awfully alright with that, if I may say.”
“Well, I mean, it happened back in high school. I was already pretty independent at that point, and I figure that there’s no point in holding a grudge. Why waste time feeling all sorts of negative things about her? I’d rather remember the good times we had while trying to create new good times. Focusing on the bad just makes life more negative, and that sort of thing isn’t good, you know?”
“You are quite the strong man, Rao.”
“Nah. If anything, I’d say I’m pretty cowardly. I’d rather run and hide the negative to try and replace it with the positive. I think the strongest people are those who can look back and own what’s happened to them instead of those who just always look forward, like me. You know, it’s like running up the stairs out of the basement because the lights went out and you’re afraid. Sure, I’m looking forward and up, but it’s because I’m getting away from the scary dark behind me.”
“You are… much more introspective than I would have assumed.”
“Well, I’m gonna be honest with you, though I think everybody already knows this. I’m kind of stupid. My head is usually empty, so I don’t usually have anything to think about other than myself. Even tried therapy once. My therapist told me I should try writing journals, so I’ve filled probably… like seven journals about my life and feelings in the past few years. Man… that sounds lame when I say it out loud. I wonder if that’s why I’m messing up with the girls. I keep on talking about my feelings and things around them. Is it annoying when I talk like this? I saw one video while looking up how to pick up girls that you should just wrap your arm around them, grab their ass, and tell them that you want them. Should I try that?”
Fenrir and Corwin both shook their heads as quickly as they could.
“No, definitely not,” Fenrir said. “Please, never do that or follow any advice similar to it. Now, maybe after you’re in a relationship, and you’re trying to be sexy or something, then sure. But… please, not before you’re in a relationship with them.”
“What’s the difference?”
Fenrir and Corwin looked at each other and sighed when they realized just how much work needed to be done with Rao. Then again, they were both well aware of just how much Rao had changed since they first met him. The mere fact that Rao checked with his friends to confirm whether or not behavior like that was alright first was already a massive sign of improvement as far as they were concerned.
And so, that was how Fenrir and Corwin got into a long conversation with Rao regarding consent, the expectations that people have before and during a relationship, and what is acceptable behavior throughout various stages of relationships.
Enough time passed that they all got two cups of tea.
“Uh… okay, I think I understand,” Rao said.
Corwin lit up right after that. “Oh! And if I may, there is one content creator online who me and Olly both absolutely adore. If you go online and search for ‘Damian The Fundamentals Of Healthy BDSM Relationships,’ his video will be the first result you see. Now, I am well aware of the ‘BDSM’ in the title of that video, but I promise you that it is an excellent watch for everybody regardless of what sort of relationship they are in.”
“Oh. That guy,” Fenrir said.
“Oh? Are you aware of him?”
“Serra and Nell love his videos. I’ll admit… it kind of makes me jealous, but in a stupid way that I know I shouldn’t be. Anyways, that’s a good suggestion.”
“I highly recommend him. He has a plethora of videos on topics related to relationships, sex, and kinks. All of them are extremely positive, and most are very informational as well! Of course, he does have a few joke videos such as, ‘Would Having Sex With Your Clone Be Incest?’ It is a rather amusing one if I may say so myself, but not required watching by any means. That being said, if you were to try and emulate his attitude and views, then you would be very well off in your approach to all relationships, whether they be friendly, romantic, or sexual.” Corwin let out a wistful sigh once he was done talking.
“Everything alright?” Fenrir asked.
“Oh, it’s nothing. Just, me and Olly wish we could go and play that other MMO Damian plays to visit him and potentially have a—well, a threesome, but I feel it would be horribly wrong of us to do that. I feel it would be like we are stalking him down for sex, and that would just be… not very good. Perhaps one day he shall send out a public invitation that we will both gladly accept.”
“Hang on,” Rao spoke up. “Here’s something I don’t get. So, like… you and Olly love each other, right?”
“Of course!”
“Then why do you want to sleep with some other dude who you aren’t dating?”
“Ah, well, different people have different expectations for sex in relationships. Some people desire exclusivity and to stay loyal to one another. They assign great value to sex and believe that a couple should only sleep with one another and none else. Others have what Olly likes to refer to as an ‘animalistic’ approach to sex. Fewer than five percent of animals in nature practice monogamy. The act of sex is a natural, primal instinct that has no greater value assigned to it than breathing and eating does. It is simply a natural part of life. When you remove the possibility of pregnancy from it, what little meaning it might have is completely gone. Sex, to people such as myself and Olly, is just a fun activity. The emotional bond we share with one another is strictly exclusive to each other, and we enjoy having sex with one another far more than we enjoy it with anybody else, but it is still fun to engage in it with others every now and then, especially if we do so together. Which we always do, mind you. To us, having sex with others is no different from going out and trying different ice cream shops to experience more flavors of ice cream. Of course, we do not believe that our approach is in any way superior—nor inferior—to any other approach. Different, yes, but equal in validity.”
“Huh. Never really thought about it that way before. But… I think I’d be too jealous and probably really feel bad if somebody outside of our relationship ever had sex with me or my partner. Or partners.”
“And that is perfectly alright, Rao. Even with how progressive society may have become, ‘closed’ relationships are still regarded as the normal standard that most encourage and wish to have for themselves.”
“Well, for whatever it’s worth from somebody like me, I don’t have anything wrong with how you want to live your life and relationship even if I can’t relate to it.”
“Thank you, Rao. That is all anybody needs to do. The world would be a terrifically wonderful place if everybody could be as accepting as you.”
Rao’s cheeks turned a bit red as he leaned back, rubbing the back of his head. “I uh—I don’t know about that. We’d probably be in the stone age still if everybody was like me.”
“Come on, do not be so deprecative of yourself. You are an architect in real life, are you not?”
“Well, yeah, but even cavemen could build houses and stuff.”
Fenrir tilted his head to the side. “I don’t think they would have been cavemen if they could build houses.”
Rao thought about it for a few seconds before saying, “Huh, you’re probably right. Then uh… we would all be… I don’t know, whoever the first people who built houses were. We’d be like them if everybody was like me. All we’d know is how to build stuff and nothing else. We’d probably be walking around like monkeys scratching our balls and sniffing them, then asking girls if they want to sniff our hands afterward as part of some weird mating ritual or something.”
Hearing that, Fenrir’s mind went to imagining himself doing something like that with Cassiel. And naturally, the end result of him scratching his balls, sniffing his hand, and then putting his hand in front of Cassiel to sniff, was getting very, very harshly slapped across the face. “Maybe it is a good thing we’re not all like Rao.”
As for Corwin, he looked to be in deep thought about something as he looked directly into Rao’s eyes.
“Something up?” Rao asked Corwin.
“I believe I have discovered what your largest, and perhaps only, true flaw is,” Corwin answered.
“Seriously? Sweet. What is it?”
“Your view of yourself. Now, I understand that deprecative humor can be amusing at times depending on the company, but you are far too harsh on yourself. Even if you are not very… depressing about you, you never speak highly of yourself. You are both incredibly confident and extremely self-conscious at the same time. Listen to me, Rao.”
“Listening, bro.”
“You are handsome. You are intelligent. You are funny. You are caring. You are considerate. You are loyal. You are accepting, and far more. You are a wonderful person and everybody can see it, and I am sure that is why you have attracted to yourself the attention of several women. But, no matter how interested somebody may be in you, they will lose interest if you are never capable of viewing yourself as everybody else does. Endless deprecation can grow incredibly tiresome, and it may even begin to convince others around you that there is some truth to it even if there is not. Even in the course of this conversation, I have already grown tired of hearing you put yourself down. It was hardly amusing to begin with, and now it is strictly aggravating.”
Rao looked down at his empty mug of tea while still rubbing the back of his head. “Yeah… I know. It annoys me, too. I don’t even really know why I do it. I always regret whenever I do, because it’s like… I don’t want people to think I’m stupid, you know? I don’t want anybody to think I’m some stupid, lame coward, but I always say things like that… which I guess just really does make me stu—”
“Ah! No! If you dare finish that sentence then you will find yourself outside with my footprint against your rear!”
Corwin really isn’t intimidating, Fenrir thought to himself. But he’s trying his best.
“Ri-right,” Rao said. “Sorry. But yeah. I know that’s something I do and that I need to stop.”
Corwin nodded. “Good. The fact that you are able to acknowledge and accept such issues means that you fare far better than most in resolving said issues. Now, if I know Fenrir well enough, I believe he can step in for me while I go make us some more tea.” Corwin looked at Fenrir and raised his eyebrows.
“Yeah, I’ve got this,” Fenrir answered.
With that, Corwin left the two alone to go and work on brewing another pot of tea.
“Man,” Rao said and sighed. “I didn’t expect to get chewed out by Corwin. He’s kind of scary when he wants to be.”
Yeah… not at all, Fenrir thought. “Well, he’s just saying what needs to be said. And he’s right.”
“I know, bro.”
“What I’ve been thinking about is what you said earlier when you called yourself a coward. Somebody who runs away from the scary dark instead of facing it. I think you need to reframe how you’re looking at this. What you’re doing is coping. Coping is a healthy, normal part of being human. When something happens that we don’t like and aren’t sure how to deal with, we find a way to cope with it. For some, that’s confronting the issue head on and dealing with it until it no longer exists. For others, that’s moving on, leaving the issue in the past, and getting on with your life without letting it shackle you down. If I had to guess, you’d probably say the former is superior.”
“What’s the former mean?”
“The first thing I said. Confronting the issue.”
“Oh, got it. Then yeah, the former. Confronting it sounds like something that takes real bravery.”
“But is it really? The people who have to confront it are those who feel shackled by it. They’re not able to move on until they’ve dealt with it. But you? You were too strong to ever get shackled in the first place. Instead of letting it bother you to the point where you had to deal with it, you moved on. You left it behind. Do you have any idea how many people wish they could treat their issues like that? I have no doubt that most people who have to confront their problems would probably rather be like you and simply be able to move on instead.” Not that there’s anything wrong with the people who can’t move on and have to confront their issues instead. “You compared it to running away from a dark basement. Your head is up and you’re moving forward, but because you’re trying to escape something scary. So what? If anything, by horror movie logic, that makes you smarter than most people considering that most people would stay in the basement like idiots and get killed by some monster or cannibalistic serial killer.”
“I’m not even trying to put myself down here or anything, but saying I’m smarter than a horror movie character is like… the lowest bar you could set for me.”
Fenrir and Rao looked at each other for a few seconds before laughing. “We’ve got to start somewhere, right?” Fenrir asked.
“You’re not wrong, bro. Being smarter than a horror movie character is better than not being smarter than anybody.” Rao was already more relaxed, leaning forward and resting his arms on the table again.
“But seriously, have some confidence in yourself, alright? You really are a cool guy, and I consider you one of my best friends. I love you. And Corwin, and Oleander. You guys are the best friends I could ask for who I’m not already dating. I’ll admit that when I first met you… my expectations were low. But now? I’d seriously do anything for you, and my life is genuinely better for having you in it.”
“Bro…”
Fenrir already knew exactly what was coming next as Rao’s eyes watered up. A second later and he stood up to walk over to Fenrir, so Fenrir stood up and opened his arms.
And then they hugged.
“Same, bro, same,” Rao cried. “I seriously can’t imagine how much lamer life would be without all of you in it. You’re all so awesome all the time, and it’s always a ton of fun hanging out with everybody even if we’re not really doing anything. I’ve probably like… never been happier.”
Fenrir tried his best not to cry as well but failed. Only a single tear escaped, though. “Right back at you, bro. This is why I want you to take care of yourself. You’re always being an awesome bro to everybody, you never hesitate to hype anybody else up, you always shower everybody with compliments—you’ve got to do that for yourself, too, alright? Don’t go overboard with always patting yourself on the back or something, but be proud of who you are and have some confidence. Besides, I can tell you for a fact that you’re smarter than me. So if you call yourself dumb, that must mean I’m really fucking stupid. So whenever you call yourself stupid, that means you’re calling me even worse than stupid. Insulting yourself is the same as insulting me. Got it?”
“Got it, bro, I promise I won’t call myself stupid anymore.”
Fenrir gave Rao a few pats on the back as Corwin arrived with their refilled mugs of fresh tea.
“There is the leader that I know and respect,” Corwin said. “Now, I believe that we have gotten rather off-topic, and that enough constructive criticism has been applied to that issue for the day. Let us return to the original topic, shall we?”
“Oh, yeah, right,” Rao said, finally breaking the hug and wiping an arm across his eyes.
I forget what the original topic even is, Fenrir thought.
“Alright, so uh… I think they asked me out on a date, and I didn’t realize it… and I turned it down, and they’ve been all… sad looking ever since then and have been avoiding me.”
Corwin looked at Fenrir and said, “Shall I prepare the next pot in advance?”
“Yeah,” Fenrir answered. “I’ve got a feeling we’re going to be here for a while.”