Vigor Mortis

Chapter 25: Shattered Mirror, Pt. 2

The constant danger leaves me a shaking wreck when we finally make it to my home, which is a place I’ve never been before. Skyhope. So familiar and yet so alien. I know so much, I’ve seen it so many times, and yet seeing it now is still the first time. Remus and I have never had a chance to talk about what we truly are, though we have signaled to each other. We know that the other is our only ally in this place. He uses his host’s authority to take me away from the rest of the team, exiting the city again almost as soon as we’ve left it. So many, many creatures like my host are there. Would each and every one of them want me dead?

I know the answer is yes. He does too. We talk. He has the stronger host, and so he dictates what we do. That is not simply the way it is, but I have no ability to enforce any other way. We talk of our fears, our hopes, our newfound sapience. Such a terrifying thing it is. All that is important is new. The colony is but a distant memory, fading away. My host’s mind knows: we are too small. To think like a human takes too much energy. Without a host, we will lose our capacity for thought… or we will starve and die. That is what she believes, and thus so too do I.

“But we are people,” Remus insists. “Each and every one of us can be a person. Yet our brethren are still forced to be dogs! They suffer mindlessly, just like we did. My children are out there, made to live as animals!”

“But how can we fix that?” I ask, frowning. “Do we go collect them? Put them into humans? That will just get us caught, assuming we can even find them.”

“Think ahead, girl,” Remus snaps. “We will get caught eventually. Survival is not about avoiding threats, it’s about being more of a risk to fight than to leave alone. We’ll spread. We’ll take enough powerful people to protect ourselves before the humans know what’s happening.”

Terror grips my host at the implications, and so too does the terror grip me. I do not like the sound of those words. He will be spreading more of us, trapping more hosts in this fate? My people suffer, yet to uplift them I have to consign humans to suffer. What a cruel joke my kin are.

I share these thoughts with Remus, but he dismisses them. He has no sympathy for those that would damn us to death. Even if that wrath is only to protect themselves, he considers it unforgivable. He has the strongest host. I agree with him, fearing he will see me as an obstacle instead. So he sets out our plan: he will eat and grow and spread. I will stay with the girl that can sense us, Vita, and distract her from talking to the guild or the church until we can put one of us inside her. Once she is with us, we can use her power to find and free the others.

So there, on the road outside town, we part ways. I walk back to the city, and he runs off somewhere he does not deign to tell me about. I am left alone with my thoughts, and the thoughts of the woman I torture to live.

“I can hear you, you know,” I whisper to myself. “We can talk sometimes, if you want.”

Surprise. Hope. Indignation. Fury. I feel her emotions as strongly as she does.

All this time? she thinks. Damn you. To think something like you can even exist.

“I did not choose what I am,” I protest.

I don’t give a rat’s ass, you monster. The Templars will slay you. Give me my body back and you might live.

It was a lie. I have all her memories and thoughts laid before me. She would find a way to kill us the moment I gave her control back.

“You can’t fool me,” I tell her. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to suffer. But I choose it over my death.”

She screams and rages, but of course she does. I let her. I listen. It’s the least I can do, since I’ve reduced her to nothing else.

I return to our guild and wait. Vita returns soon after, and I tell her what Remus told me to say. So this girl would be the next of our brethren? I suppose I should learn what I can of her, to help ease the transition of whoever became her instead. I act as my host would in the meantime, her memories and instincts providing the perfect template to copy. It’s so easy, so natural. I know what to do and doing it feels right. It is a much-needed break after the constant terror.

Then Vita whirls on me in fury, and I snap back to myself. I don’t want her to hate me! This is the girl that says she can kill me on a whim! Immediately, I apologize. She seems taken aback. It’s not what my host would do. Yet her fury dies anyway. Agh, which is the right call?

I contemplate this as I follow her to her family. Family. Remus wants to protect his family. He wants them to have a good life. That’s what Vita wants as well. We are the same, yet we would be trapping her and making her suffer. That already sobers me, but I cannot be prepared for what I see when we arrive.

Not even my host had seen humans look so close to death. The suffering of these children cannot be more obvious. They are walking horrors. This world should not be a world in which humans like this had to exist. It is wrong. It is not just my kind that suffers.

Heal them! my host thinks. She does not need to ask.

I learn much more of Vita as we return, comparing my host’s thoughts and instincts on her to my own. It is odd having “my own.” We agree on so much: most of my memories are hers, after all. Yet where she sees Vita as foolish, I see her as noble. A girl with the power to kill, choosing to give life. Something moves me about that. Yet what does it matter? We’re just going to take it away.

If these are to be Vita’s last days, I will make them as wonderful as I can. We talk, we joke. I take her to the place my host loves most, letting both of those I will consign to suffer feel the pleasures of warm water and good company. What else can I do? She’s such a kind person. To my great terror, I enjoy being with her. My laughter is genuine. She’s so small, yet so strong. When seeing her own face nearly moves her to tears, I almost break there and then. I almost tell her to run. Damn me, but I don’t.

I talk to my host again later that night and Vita catches me, nearly killing me on the spot. Such a fearsome face on such a small girl. I have my lie ready, knowing now what I had done wrong before. Lies dipped in truth pass as truth, so I reveal part of a great secret to my host to cover the great secret of my own. She and her husband-to-be keep so many secrets, I know I can rely on him to cover for what he thinks is her. Another casual cruelty on my host, to reveal so much. I suppose it does not matter, since her life is mine now. He will be my husband instead.

At least I manage to convince Vita to sleep. The poor thing deserves it. In the morning, Remus returns. Damn it! Vita won’t even get another day? Soon after, as I’m leading this innocent, kind girl to her doom, anger bubbles through the despair inside me. Can I not at least try?

“Remus, do we really have to do this?” I ask.

“Seek medical attention? Yes, obviously,” he snaps back at me.

“Not that,” I say. “I mean Vita.”

Vita does not like that. Her body tenses, her face darkens. She slows down, although Remus slows to match her. Even that is enough to set her off? She’s such a frightened girl.

“Penelope,” Remus warns. I push forward anyway. I have to try!

“I like her, Remus,” I continue. “Don’t you think we could try just talking to her before—”

He moves. In an instant, Vita is on the ground, unconscious. I freeze stiff, dropping off his back and onto the ground.

“No, Penelope,” Remus says. “We cannot try talking to her. Our situation is very explicitly us or them.”

He leans down and his spawn slithers out from his arm, dropping into Vita’s body.

“Now wake her back up,” he orders.

I do as I’m told.

“That was entirely unnecessary!” I protest anyway, as if my words could mean more than my actions.

“I disagree,” Remus responds flatly. “I’m just glad you had the sense to wait until we were alone before saying anything. You’re crazy if you think any human would tolerate us.”

Movement cuts off my words.

“This is surreal as fuck,” Vita says. The new Vita.

“You didn’t lose too much while you were waiting, did you?” Remus asks.

“Nah, I’m good on that,” the new Vita responds. “It’s just weird. Shit. I’m a little girl now. Vita, huh?”

“Now and forever,” Remus answers, nodding. “Anything of interest in that head of hers?”

“I’m looking, I’m looking, chill out.”

“Look faster. Anyone could come by the road.”

“Hey, don’t rush me! That’s child abuse.” A slight pause, then the new Vita grins. “Woah! Haha. She hated me saying that.”

“We don’t have all day, Vita,” Remus snaps. “Anything relevant? Both of our hosts suspect she’s keeping big secrets.”

“Chill out!” the new Vita insists. “Her memory’s pretty good, there’s a lot here to sift through. Oh, fuck. She’s…”

There’s a slight pause. I hold my breath. What revelation would drop?

“…Really pissed off!” Vita finishes, flashing a shit-eating grin.

Of course she’s pissed off! After everything I did for her, this is how it ends.

“Who cares? You decide everything the host does when you’re in control,” Remus grunts. “I can’t believe I have to insist that my own spawn stay on task rather than sass me.”

“Sorry daddy, but I am a teenager now. I’m contractually obligated to give you shit. If you wanted me to be deferential you should have put me in the body of a slave.”

Remus’s eye twitches. The new Vita grins, holding up both hands in a placating gesture.

“Woah, kidding. The extra sense is just really distracting. I’m blabbing while I figure it out.”

“Ignore the extra sense,” Remus demands. “Come on, we talked about this. Did Vita break our cover? How much did she know about us? Who else are we going to have to clean up? Does she know about anyone else that might be a danger to us?”

“Right, right,” she says, thinking. “Uh… no, she didn’t break our cover. Didn’t know much either, she had suspicions but wasn’t sure. I’m… not finding anyone else in her memory that can do what she does, or anything like it.”

Remus takes a deep breath, starting to relax. I had known or suspected all that before, so it brings me no satisfaction.

“Okay. Good,” Remus says. “Then… we’re safe for now, right?”

“I suppose so,” I answer quietly.

“Thank the Watcher,” Remus sighs, his body sagging. “Okay. Then here’s what we do. Vita, Penelope, you head back to the guild and ‘confirm’ that we met the biomancer specialist and had ourselves removed. I have something else to take care of, but I’ll rejoin you later. Can you handle a couple weeks on your own?”

More secrets. More demands. I don’t like this man. My kin frustrate me, but at least I don’t have to pretend with them.

“I suppose we have no other choice,” I answer, scowling.

“Not if we want everyone to live through this, no,” Remus answers seriously. “One last thing before we separate, though. I found out what we are.”

That got my attention. My eyes open wide.

“Wait, you did?”

He nods.

“Yes. Before meeting up with you I used this body’s access to the restricted archives and looked around. There are humans who know about us, we’re just kept secret for some reason. Our kind are called the Nawra.”

“Nawra,” I repeat, tasting the word on my tongue. I have a name for our curse.

Remus nods.

“Yes. Not that you should be repeating it anywhere that you can be heard, but… yes. It’s nice to have a name. Penelope, Vita, control your food intake. If your real body gets too large, you’ll divide.”

“Aww, don’t you want grandkids, dad?” Vita asks. So childish. A young Nawra in a small girl. It fit, somehow. I would have to watch her carefully so she didn’t make a foolish mistake.

Remus smiles at her. It’s a kindly smile, full of hope.

“Not yet.”

She nods, holding out a hand to shake.

“Well then. I’ll see you around, pops,” she says.

They clasp hands briefly, Remus shaking his fingers out afterwards.

“I think you might have zapped me a little, there,” he comments.

Vita smiles wide.

“Sorry, pops. Still getting used to the body.”

He nods.

“Understandable. You’re what, ten hours old? You’ll get the hang of being Vita before you return to town, don’t worry. Now is there anything else you two need before I head out?”

“Nope,” Vita says “I’m good, pops.”

I have nothing either, and say nothing to indicate it.

“We won’t let our kind continue to rot as dogs,” Remus promises. “Not when we can be people.”

I just sigh, turning to walk back to town as Remus jogs off. The new Vita follows, perhaps deferring to me in the same way I do Remus. It does not take long for her to start up a conversation, though.

“So…” she starts, “how’s the secret agent stuff been so far?”

I shrug.

“Exciting. Depressing. Confusing. Not being sapient was certainly less complicated.”

“Not being sapient?”

“Yes, as in… oh, that’s right. You budded off of Remus,” I recall. She was born in a human body, so she wouldn’t know. “He and I had bodies before this. Animals. They couldn’t really think, and neither did we. I think we’ll revert to that if we’re not inside a human for too long. We started to lose our memories of being dogs after a few hours outside a body.”

“Oh. Yeah, Remus might have mentioned something like that,” she says. “That really sucks.”

I snort. This one has a talent for understatements.

“It’s certainly not ideal. My first act as a person is to hold another person hostage in her own body. I’m barely a figment of her, yet she’s the one haunting me. I can’t imagine Vita will be any easier on you. Well, the real Vita, I mean. Not you.”

My kin just grins.

“Oh?” she asks. “What makes you say she’ll be hard on me? We’re in power, right?”

“Please tell me you’re listening to her. It’s the least you can do. We’re stealing their lives and making them watch! But I… I still remember most of it, what it was like to be an animal. To feel, but not think. To act, but not question. To just mindlessly be. I can’t go back to that. No matter how much I hate myself, I can’t. It would be the same as death.”

Vita seems… concerned for a moment. She takes a deep breath.

“Okay. I’m listening to her now,” she says. “Vita wants to ask you something. Is that all right?”

I almost stumble, my breath catching.

“I… of course. Oh god, I forgot… I’m so stupid, of course she can hear me. Vita, I’m so sorry, I—”

“She wants to know,” Vita says, cutting me off, “if Penelope is okay.”

I’m not okay, but I recognize she isn’t talking about me. Why would she be? I have not been the Penelope she thought I was this entire time. The answer is the same either way.

“N-no,” I stutter quietly, choking back tears. “Of course she’s not.”

She leans over next to me, moving to drop an arm over my shoulders. Instead, she grabs my neck, right over where my real body hides. I turn to her, and the murderous, disdainful glare in her eyes burns itself into my memory. Something intangible tightens around me, promising annihilation.

I stare into those eyes, fear taking my heart. Oh. This is not my kin. How long had Remus’s child been dead?

“Please don’t kill me,” I whisper. I’m too weak of a person to say anything else.

“Then I suggest you release her,” Vita says. “Right. Now.”

I do so. I detach from my host’s spine, losing her eyes, her ears, her body… I cast myself into the senseless void of my true nature, praying for life.

And waiting for death.