Chapter 153 - Back To The Beginning
Chapter 153 – Back To The Beginning
I slumped against the sealed door. My mind was a muddled mess, and I didn't know what to do anymore. I curled up, wrapping my arms around my knees, telling myself that I needed to calm down and think.
Maybe I should've expected this. I should've known there was a reason why Bai Ye tried so hard to keep Twin Stars' past a secret from me. There had been signs, from the fear in his eyes the first time I told him about those visions, to the grief in his voice when he recounted the story of the swords going berserk and told me that I had the right to judge him however harshly. I had expected the truth to be astonishing … but I hadn't expected it to be so devastating, and I hadn't expected it to be about me.
Why did he decide to tell me this now, in such a way, at such a time? Could he simply not bear to see my reaction if he told me in person? Or did he no longer care how I felt once he left for the retreat … because he had no more use for me after this?
Even with the pain still throbbing in my heart, and even after he had acknowledged everything to me himself, I still wanted to believe that he was telling the truth when he said he meant me no harm. Maybe I was being too naive, but I couldn't forget the way he had always looked at me, embraced me, kissed me. I couldn't forget all the love and care I felt every moment I was with him for the past five years, and I couldn't bring myself to believe that none of it was real.
But those five years had only happened because he knew who I was … because he knew I was the only one that could bond with Twin Stars again, and that was why he had chosen me as his disciple. If everything between us had started with a lie … then did it matter even if he did fall in love with me in the end?
And would these feelings be enough to stop him from killing me again when the time comes?
The pain from when the girl breathed her last breath still felt too fresh, too sharp, and I could no longer tell if the pang of hurt inside me was for her death or my own future. I looked up, staring helplessly into the sunlight pouring through the window, though I couldn't help but feel that everything around me looked bleak even in the glaring brightness. I had too many questions, but he wasn't there to answer them anymore. And even if he was … Would I still be able to trust him?
~ ~
I forgot how long I had sat there. I forgot how I managed to struggle back to my feet in the end and make it back to my room, and I forgot how the rest of the day passed. Or the next. Or the next. The whole week afterward was a haze to me. I don't think I practiced or read any of the books he set aside in the library, because they kept reminding me of that last day when he went over everything for me so patiently, so meticulously. I don't think I left my room too much either, because the moment I stepped out of the door, my eyes would move on their own and land on his window across the garden, and I would remember that last night I had spent with him on the other side of that wall.
He had kissed me so gently, held me so tight, and made such tender love to me that I wished the night would never end. Yet now, nothing except a stabbing pain remained in my heart. The more I thought about all the sweet times we had shared, the more I felt the bitter irony of reality biting and consuming me. Maybe that was why he wanted me to wait before looking into that crystal … Maybe he did care about my feelings, and he knew that if I had waited until my memories of him weren't as crisp as they were now, then the hurt wouldn't have been as deep.
I knew I shouldn't be thinking this way. I shouldn't keep finding excuses for him and lying to myself. I should be glad that I got to see everything clearly before it was too late, and I should pull out of all this as fast as I can. But I couldn't. I hated myself for being so weak, but I couldn't help wishing that I had simply never looked into the crystal. If not knowing the truth can make the sweet lie last forever, then was it really that bad to choose the lie?
More days passed by in a blur. The sun rose and set, but time seemed to stay still in the empty hall with only aching memories of him left. I was starting to lose track of the hours when one morning, a knock came on the front gate of the hall.
Per Mount Hua's rules, Bai Ye should've informed the other masters that he was going on a retreat, so the visitor had to be for me. I couldn't care less who it might be though. Shuffling slowly towards the gate, I opened it and managed a polite smile the best I could.
It was Xie Lun, and his eyes widened when he saw me. "Are you alright?" he asked, skipping the usual greetings. "You look terribly pale. Did you get sick?"
I managed another smile and shook my head. "It could be the weather—" though I had been too preoccupied the past few days to even notice what the weather was like, "—I'm fine. Were you looking for me?"
Xie Lun frowned and considered for a moment, as if trying to decide what to say. "I was hoping I could ask for your help on something," he said. "I don't want to trouble you if you aren't feeling well … but if it's the weather, then maybe a change in scenery could actually be good for you. I'm leaving for Clear Spring Village for an errand tomorrow, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to join me as a guide since I'm unfamiliar with that part of the country."
My mind was still so hazy that I missed half of what he said, but the name of the location suddenly brought a little clarity back to me. Clear Spring Village … That was where I lived before Mount Hua.. Before Bai Ye had come into my life.