Chapter 21: Florida Man Baths in Wolf’s Goo, Complains He Smells like Testicles
Chapter 21 – Florida Man Baths in Wolf’s Goo, Complains He Smells like Testicles
After Jin Yong was gone, Leo thought of the obnoxious plant pet outside. He checked its lifespan.
Name: Cat
Age: 0
Remaining Lifespan: 700 Years
It consumed some of the mutated cabbages, the mutated wolves’ innards, and blood, increasing its lifespan by 1,000 years. However, Leo chose not to swindle it again for the moment.
Leo brought the purple soup and put the pot in front of the chomper. He opened the lid.
“Hey, Cat. I heard you’re immune to poison and radiation. You think you can drink this?”
Cat drowsily woke up and sniffed. Then, it turned stiff for a moment.
“MEOW <3”
As if Cat just found its favorite food, it sank a hundred small roots into the pot and absorbed the liquid. The pulsing vines and roots drew everything into its head, and it burped. The poison soup was gone in a flash.
Leo nodded in satisfaction. Then, he checked its lifespan, wondering if it benefited the plant.
Name: Cat
Age: 0
Remaining Lifespan: 1,200 Years
It was just half-pot, but it increased Cat’s lifespan by 500, which was better than feeding it raw blood and cabbages. Also, the chomper seemed satisfied with the soup.
“About 1,000 years of lifespan per full pot? But I can only make about one more pot since I don’t have enough wolf blood and intestines. That one-liter requirement is brutal.”
Giving a liter of blood to Cat directly could boost its lifespan by about 200-300 years at most. However, after combining with other ingredients, it granted more.
“Meow?”
As if Cat understood Leo’s words, it tilted its head, asking him why he couldn’t make more.
“Don’t meow me, silly plant. You ate a portion of the wolf’s intestines and blood. I have enough yin fluid for only another batch.”
“Meow…”
Cat was crestfallen. It stuck out its tongue and collapsed on the ground, sulking.
Seeing the plant’s reaction, Leo snickered. He also had an idea, so he gave it a hint.
“Look, Cat. We need dire wolves to make you the purple soup. If you, by chance, can hunt or capture those wolves for me, I can make you more soup!”𝒏𝗈𝑣𝖊𝓵𝐍𝐄xt.𝗰𝒐𝗆
“MEOW!?”
“Damn right, I’m not kidding.”
“MEOW, MEOW-MEOW MEOW?!”
Leo nodded, “If you hunt other creatures, will I make you something? Of course. As long as you bring them here alive, I’ll find a way to make you the best fertilizer.”
“MEOW, MEOW!!”
Motivated. The chomper plant uprooted itself and dashed into the dark forest.
Looking at how the plant ran, Leo couldn’t help but laugh as it looked like a running chimpanzee. He then cleaned the pot and started making the next batch of poison potion for the plant. Then, he called it a night.
The next day morning, Leo woke up to see the progress of the auto-refining workshop. As expected, it finished making one liter worth of Lesser Yin Poison Potion.
He scooped everything in the cauldron with a ladle, storing them in the usual pot. When it got difficult to scoop, Leo lifted the entire cauldron and poured every drop of content into the glass container.
The cauldron was about 800 pounds, judging from Leo’s feelings. Still, he easily lifted it with one hand.
After putting the cauldron back, Leo carried the soup pot back to the store and placed it in the corner, away from the fridges or other display windows.
While Leo was doing chores, he heard the creaking noise of wooden roots and the loud noise of a large animal. Leo turned around and looked through the front windows, checking outside.
He saw Cat, dragging a living wolf by its legs toward the store. However, it was not a regular dire wolf. It was a monster, whose physique was 10 meters in length!
Its fur was dark green, and it leaked green gas. Three emerald eyes of the monster emitted dense mist. In addition, it had two mouths on top of each other as if it was Osiris from Yu Gi Oh. The five tails also looked similar to tree branches. However, its four legs were broken and bent at a weird angle.
The chomper plant was also in bad shape. It had countless scratches on its head. Some of the vines were dangling, and the roots seemed shorter than usual. It panted and dropped the monster beast down in front of the store.
“Meow…”
Cat let out a soft cry, reporting its finding.
Seeing how miserable Cat was, Leo rushed to the store and brought the newly cooked poison soup to it. The plant noticed the soup and dipped its roots and vines into it, sucking everything in seconds.
Leo patted Cat’s head, “You stupid cat. I told you to hunt animals, not to get hurt. What’s the point of risking your life for something exotic if you can’t eat it?”
The chomper purred and focused on licking the dripping vines and roots. The small scratches were healed, and the major wounds on the vines and roots were closed. For now, it was safe.
Leo stood up and walked toward the large beast that Cat caught. The monster wolf noticed Leo’s presence and struggled to get up, but its broken legs had no strength to support its large physique. It collapsed on the ground.
GRRR
Despite being heavily injured, it snarled at Leo.
Leo was expressionless. He nonchalantly walked toward the head of the monster wolf and reached out his hand to touch it.
At that moment, the wolf monster’s two mouths snapped at Leo. One caught his hand while the second mouth got his head. Then, it applied pressure on its large jaws, trying to chew or crush Leo to death.
CRACK
The sound of a broken large piece of bone was audible.
“MEOW!”
Cat let out a desperate cry. It rushed to Leo to pry the jaws open with its vines. However, the wolf’s two mouths didn’t budge.
While Cat tried to help Leo, the latter’s left hand patted its head. Then, it heard his voice.
“You don’t need to help me. You should be worrying about your future breakfast instead.”
As Leo finished speaking, small white pieces of fangs fell to the ground.
The one with broken bones was not Leo. The wolf ended up breaking its fangs after trying to bite Leo.
*WHIMPER*
The wolf monster widened its green eyes in shock and pain. It tried to spit Leo out, but Leo suddenly spat into its throat and pushed himself out.
Leo massaged his right wrist which got bitten. Then, he scratched his head. Not even a scratch was left behind on his skin.
“Look, doggie. When you bite someone, you’re supposed to aim for their neck, not the hardest bones or skull. Anyway, you have 10 seconds to live. Any last word?”
The monster didn’t say anything. It trembled for a moment before the shaking turned into spasms. Foam came out from its mouth, after which it turned purple. The belly swelled as if it was a balloon. Solid scum and urine were discharged from the bottom orifices.
“MEOW <3”
Although the black waste and urine were nasty and disgusting, Cat opened its mouth and feasted on them in glee.
Gazing at the behavior of his cat, Leo sensed a shiver down his spine. He thought of the times it licked his face with the same tongue, causing his stomach to retch.
Leo covered his mouth and approached the dead monster beast. He inspected the large body and the weird physique, including the two-mouth feature.
“How am I going to drain your freaking blood, doggie? You’re as big as a mutated rat in my world.”
Since meat couldn’t butcher itself, Leo started working on it by cutting its swelling belly with a skinning knife first.
CLANK
The modern knife broke when Leo exerted his force. Judging the feedback of the tool, Leo was certain that the thick was harder than steel.
As modern tools wouldn’t work on the monster beast, Leo straightened his right index finger. He gazed at the fingernail, entrusting his job to it.
“Do me a favor, my nail. Cut through this thing for me.”
No finger could speak or reply to its master’s questions. Thus, Leo pressed his finger on the monster’s stomach and pushed.
PU
The nail sank into the skin as if it was a sharp knife cutting through a piece of raw steak. However, what came out wasn’t blood but yellowish rotten pus, splashing on Leo as if it was a bursting zit landmine.
Leo was covered in yellow slime-like goo!
“…”
Leo accidentally sniffed it, then his expression turned ugly. It smelled like a piece of skin from someone’s testicles who hadn’t taken a bath for months.
In disgust, Leo took off his clothes and ran toward the alchemy workshop, where he had stored several canteens of fresh water from the stream. He jumped into the cauldron. Then, he poured the water from the canteen, getting rid of the waste as soon as possible.
10 minutes later, Leo climbed out of the cauldron, filled with hot water and yellow goo. He threw the dirty clothes into the fire to dispose of them.
Because of frustration, Leo no longer had the mood to work. He gazed at his drenched body, which still had a few drops of yellow puss on him. Moreover, he still smelled like a dirty man’s virgin balls during No-Nut-November Season.
“This will take days to clean it off. Next time, I won’t touch any inflamed part! Dammit!”
While complaining, Leo glanced at his makeshift bathtub.
The boiling yellow liquid sent out a foul odor and black miasma. Moreover, Leo heard someone’s shrilling wail from inside the fluid as if it was cursed.
Attempting to remove the nasty liquid, Leo opened the workshop menu and pressed the research button, trying to trick the system to remove it.
DING
The workshop accepted the item. Instantly, all liquid inside and the foul odor were gone like smoke.
The next moment, the workshop informed Leo of the result.
[Emerald Wolf’s Tear]
This rare tear can be extracted from any 5th-grade or higher emerald wolf’s body. Can be consumed directly to increase one’s muscle strength and bone density. Diluting one drop in freshwater can transform it into Yin Fluid.
[Traits]
Increase muscle strength and bone density by 10% per 10cc.
Leo blankly stared at the workshop’s window message for ten minutes. Afterward, he screamed in anger.
“WOLF’S TEAR MY VIRGIN ASS! THIS IS DIRTY ZIT’S PUS, YOU #@&$!!”
Meanwhile, Cat had the best day of its life. After it finished the waste of the wolf, it slurped the yellowish goo in glee.
“Meow <3”
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